When you look at it, you just know, you can just feel that the kid is terrified, that he knows he has no choice but to jump, and that he has no idea what will happen next.
This is called "taking a risk." Now, what exactly does that mean? A risk is "a situation involving exposure to danger." Whenever you think something terrible will happen as a consequence of your actions, or even when you have no idea what will happen after, you are taking a risk. And it's ALWAYS a scary thing.
Some people pride themselves for being "risk takers." What does that really mean? Are they brave, fearless, afraid of nothing? Or do they mean that they don't really mind the consequences of their actions? Or maybe that they embrace the consequences of their actions, both bad and good?
Of course, nothing will ever "happen" in your life unless you try new things, explore unanswered questions, discover hidden answers, and embrace the unknown. And I get that. There are times when I wish I could be so fearless about the decisions I make, times when I wish I was more of a risk taker. Sadly (or is it?), I'm more of a "calculated risk" taker so my life isn't exactly boring. Safer, more sheltered, but not altogether boring. I think about the consequences, and if they're not all that bad, or if I realize that the outcome will most likely be very satisfying despite the awkwardness and suffering and icky stuff I will go through to get to that destination, I push myself to do it. If not, then I don't. But because I know that it's such a hard thing for me to do most of the time, I feel so awesome on the rare occasion when I do actually do something that I never would have believed I could do.
There was this one particular moment at a school dance a loooooooong time ago that I know will forever stay in my mind. Right in the middle of the night, the dj started playing a slow song when everyone least expected it. I didn't have a boyfriend at the time--well, I still don't--so, of course, there was that terribly awkward moment where everyone just freezes and thinks, "OH CRAP NOW WHAT?!" And the next thing you know, it's like that time the teacher said, "Partner up!" all over again. I wasn't the only one stuck in this dilemma (thankfully), but I knew that if I didn't act quickly and grab someone, I was going to be the only one stuck in this dilemma. But I said to myself, "Well, you can also just sit this song out and just get back on the dance floor once the slow song finishes." Immediately, however, I thought, "NO, DON'T BE A CHICKEN. ONE NIGHT, ONE RISK. THERE'S NO HARM IN THAT." Plus, this boy I was crushing on at the time was also at the same dance. And, what's more, the girl with whom said boy was currently almost-dating-but-not-really-because-they're-still-flirting-and-no-one's-asked-anyone-out-yet was not in attendance. I saw him walk away from the dance floor to go stand or sit by the wall. After a couple of nudges and pointed looks from a certain friend of mine (who had also noticed said boy walking away from the dance floor, and who was already dancing with one of said boy's friends so that it wouldn't be weird if I asked said boy to dance), I finally started walking in the general direction of said boy. I was really glad that it was super dark so that no one could see me blushing. I almost fainted when I just saw him sitting down, a little off to my left, in that "Yeah, I don't care" kind of way, alone and looking into the slow-dancing crowd. The following specific moment is my clearest memory of the night: me, frozen, about six to eight feet away from him, arguing with myself inside my head. GO, just GO. ASK HIM. RIGHT NOW. STOP BEING SO SCARED. I slowly took a step to my left, then froze. No, it'll be awkward. WHAT AM I DOING?! I turned to my right, then froze again. NO, STOP. YOU WANT TO DO THIS. MOVE YOUR FEET. TURN LEFT NOW. I turned left again, took a couple of steps, and then realized that I was already only two feet away from him. I stopped. He didn't see me. IF YOU DON'T DO IT NOW, YOU WILL PROBABLY NEVER EVER GET TO DANCE WITH HIM YOUR WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE. YOU'RE TWO FEET AWAY FROM HIM--IF YOU WALK AWAY NOW, YOU WILL LOOK INCREDIBLY DUMB. JUST. DO. IT. NOW.
So I did.
And it was amazing. The best night of my life. Yeah, it was amazing because I got to dance with the awesome said boy, but it was also amazing because, inside, I just felt so accomplished. I was so full of pride for myself and what I had done. Happiness isn't even the right word to describe it because what I felt that night was so much more powerful. Every time I think about that night, I just feel like I can do anything. And that is what "taking a risk" (and having everything going the way you want it to) feels like.
BUUUUTTTT (yep, there's a big rear end here!), that's the only and biggest risk I've ever "blindly" taken. I don't remember thinking about what would happen if, or even considering that he would say no (for the record, he was really nice and sweet about it, and we were kinda friends so it wasn't totally awkward). If I did, I probably would've turned right. Definitely. Why? Because that would've hurthurthurt (like, you have no idea) and I'm no masochist. And that's why I was scared in the first place. That's why I'm always scared of taking risks--fear of, what was it again? "Exposure to danger."
[BONES SPOILER STARTS HERE--IT'S AN OLD EPISODE BUT I FELT LIKE I SHOULD WARN YOU GUYS ANYWAY.]
Today, I watched that episode of Bones where Booth and Brennan read Sweets' new non-fiction book about their relationship with each other. Sweets comes to the conclusion that Booth and Brennan are in love with each other and bases his findings on their first case. However, he finds out the Booth and Brennan actually worked together for the very first time on a totally different case so he demands that Booth and Brennan tell him about their real meeting and first case together. In the end, Sweets tells Booth, "You're the gambler. For once, make it work for you" (or something similar to that effect) and Booth just takes a chance and kisses Bones and tells her that he wants to try it out, that he wants to see if he and Brennan would work.
Way to take a gamble, Booth. Right?
Then Brennan says no because she's not sure, because she's a scientist and firmly believes in cold hard facts. Booth's face literally tears me apart and, in no time, my tears mirror his. But he regains his composure which makes me cry even more because DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH THAT MUST HAVE HURT AND THEN TO SEE HIM TRYING TO HOLD IT IN SO HE CAN PUT ON A BRAVE FACE?!?! DO YOU KNOW THAT FEELING INTERROBANG.
That's what sucks about taking risks. You never know because, well, there's no way of knowing. Sometimes you think that you can just freeze up and peer over the edge of the diving board forever, but you can't because you know you want to go in the water. It's just the matter of getting there that's the problem. It's that jump.
Sometimes, you think that asking yourself, "Is it really worth it? Is it really worth risking everything that exists now for something that only could be better after I jump? Will I still feel like it was worth it after I jump?" will be enough to make yourself close your eyes, hold your breath and take that giant leap. For Booth, it was; he really thought it was all worth it. And sometimes that is enough. But other times, it's only enough to help you overcome your fears only for a little bit. Because nothing can ever prepare you for that painful blow at the bottom when you hit the water. Booth took a gamble and jumped, but he hit the bottom pretty hard.
Brennan was different. She felt comfortable and happy with the present. She felt doubtful about whether it was worth it to take all the present and exchange it, possibly, for something better, but less stable and less guaranteed. She didn't know. She didn't trust.
Sometimes, I'm like Brennan. But sometimes I'm like Booth. Either way, though, you can still get hurt. In Let It Snow, John Green wrote, "“I always had this idea that you should never give up a happy middle in the hopes of a happy ending, because there is no such thing as a happy ending. There is so much to lose.”
Can you just taste the truth in those last monosyllabic words?
So, how willing are you to give up the happy middle for the happier ending when you know for sure that there is so much to lose but can only guess and hope that there is so much more to gain?
I think it usually comes down to two things: 1) How much do you want that happier ending? and 2) Are you strong enough?
Then, regardless of your answers, you close your eyes, take a deep breath, and jump in anyway because you know you'll never find out if you never try and that a question cannot be answered it it is not asked.
I really loved...DOCTOR FREAKING WHO, MATT SMITH FOR BEING BORN, STEVE MOFFAT FOR BEING SUCH A GENIUS, RORY FOR BEING SUCH A BAMF, RIVER FOR BEING RIVER, AND AMY FOR BEING THE GIRL I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED TO BE BUT NEVER WILL.
I smiled...because of Hitler getting locked up in the cupboard.
Lyrics playing at this very moment as I type this portion of the blog:
"Then you went away. I couldn't get you out of my mind. I was broken down for you..."
( (500) Days by AJ Rafael)
Hugs: 3
P.S. I lied. I didn't post about my week and/or my schedule on Dance. Sorry. :(
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