I finished third in the speech competition on Saturday. And I'm not as upset as I should be about not getting the scholarship. Because I'm more upset that I just disappointed so many people. So. Many. People. And I feel like a failure, despite the fact that I know I am not one. The worst thing is that I expected to be third--after I went out there and gave my speech, I knew it and I felt it. I was not perfect, no, but I was definitely far from good. Looking back, I know I could have done more, I could have worked harder, I could have practiced more. But it's no use crying about it now. I did, for a while after, but I went and got frozen yogurt and sat in a corner of Barnes&Noble for a good long while, reading. Escaping reality, more like. So that made it a bit better. I know that there is a silver lining because I can see it. Part of me just wants to reject it because a silver lining only exists when it's dark and cloudy outside, and it's completely my fault that it's dark and cloudy outside in the first place. Just. Gah. I'm letting myself stew and be a sapper by myself just so that I can get it all out by tomorrow. Get. It. All. Out.
I'm sorry for being so deps. Trying harder...NOW!
All right, Saturday's gift! I bought my brother some frozen yogurt. See, he wanted some Jamba Juice at first and I told him I had, like, two or three gift cards that I've never used before so we agreed to walk there together. But then I craved some frozen yogurt for my aching aching life so we went to get that first. I offered Josh some, but he said no. Then, on our way to Jamba Juice, he was like, "I changed my mind, I think I want frozen yogurt now, too." So I was like, "Told you! No big deal, let's go back." So we did. And I bought him a frozen yogurt. He was being all shy at first because I was paying for it, but I started laughing at him. I told him, "What are you doing? Fill it up. Fill up the whole thing. This is frozen yogurt. Go nuts. Fill the whole cup." And so he did. Then when we walked into Barnes&Noble, and I said, "I haven't given a gift yet. What should I do?" Then Josh looked at me and said, "Yeah, you did." And he held up his frozen yogurt cup for me to see. He explained that he felt bad because he should have been buying me frozen yogurt after not doing so well in the speech competition, but I had offered to buy it for him instead because I knew he didn't have any money with him. He also said that I was very patient when he said that he had changed his mind. So that was my gift for Saturday.
Today's gift! I messaged all of my non-IRL-friends followers on Tumblr. I sent them nice thank yous and warm wishes. Well wishes from a random stranger? That would definitely make me smile. There was a good number of them because I have more than one blog so it took a while.
I'm working on good ones for the final three days. Well, I think they're good gifts--it's all subjective.
Okay, back to the topic of the speech competition. I will defeat this in a matter of a single paragraph. Ready? Okay, go:
THERE IS A SILVER LINING. When I was in eighth grade, I finished third in the state spelling bee. The year before, I had placed fifth, so that was an improvement. But I cried so hard after because I worked and studied so much and it was my last year of eligibility and I felt that third place was like the ultimate worst place because it meant that I was so close but not close enough. In an attempt to comfort me, my mom told me something along the lines of "Maybe it's just not part of your fate/destiny." Back then I thought of it really negatively, as if she was saying that there was nothing I could have done that would have gotten me to the top. I remember thinking that I would never ever let Fate or Destiny decided where I go and what I do. Ever. But the years have taught me that I shouldn't be upset when things don't go the way I want them to, because sometimes, something better comes along or happens instead. Like Rachel Cohn said in my life's anthem/book, Dash & Lily's Book of Dares, "I need to keep my mind open for what could happen and not decide that the world is hopeless if what I want to happen doesn't happen. Because something else great might happen in between." My mom told me basically the same thing, this weekend. So did Mrs. M (kinda), Shayne, and Josh. Maybe it really wasn't part of my destiny to win that scholarship. But the first thing that Mrs. M told me when I walked up to her after was, "Chin up, we're going to states. And you know what? We'll go to nationals, too." She told me that, interestingly, NFL nationals is also in Indianapolis, probably even the same venue in which the AL nationals would take place. SO THERE IS A SILVER LINING. I'm going to go to States. And I'm going to qualify for Nationals if it kills me.
Risks taken: 15
Hugs: 1
Current food cravings/obsessions: Rice...but I'm giving that up for Lent, so...no rice for me.
Playlist(s) on Repeat: "Feeling Mighty Fine"
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