Day 26: Today Was Better

In terms of focusing in class, I mean. Significantly better. I even took notes in English. And paid particularly close attention to the listening portions of the practice AP Spanish exam. YESSSSS. 


We had our second to the last Big Brother/Sister session today. Our last one is next week and that's gonna be a party. But I'm very sad to leave Kei. I know that it doesn't matter who his Big is next year, he will still have a really fun time, but still. He was a bit down when we were working on our Memory Books because he had lost his previous Big (Ashlyn) to college, too, and he realized that we were nearing the end and that he is going to lose another Big to college again. He kept asking questions about Ash. When I dropped him off at A+ after our hour passed, he finally asked me what I could tell had been bothering him the whole time: "Where are you going next year?" He looked so sad. I told him that I'm going to college but that I'm staying on the island. Before I could explain that I'm not gonna be his Big next year, though, despite the fact that I'll be nearby, he started jumping for joy. I don't think he heard me. Ahh, I'll talk to him about it more next week, though I expect he'll realize it before we see each other next week Thursday.


I just want time to stop. I just want everything to stop for a while or maybe just slow down for a little bit. I'm getting more and more overwhelmed by how fast everything is coming to an end. I think this is why I'm having trouble focusing in class. 


For the past almost-four years it's always been learn-listen-take notes-study-bell rings-walk to another class-and-repeat over and over again the whole day and then after that it's g0 home-do work-write papers-read-study for tomorrow all night long. And then we do it over again the next day. It has always been like this for the past almost-four and no matter what, I've always felt in control about the time because there was always a next class, there was always a tomorrow, there was always a next time, there was always a next year. 


Now, we don't have that. There are less and less next classes, less and less tomorrows, less and less next times, and certainly no next year here in 'Iolani. 


So I feel the need to slow myself down because that's the only thing I can control now, right? I have this urge to just sit still in the middle of the Center Courtyard and just breathe and watch people walk by me. In class, I have this urge to stare at the wall or the board or the floor and just close my eyes and listen to the voices of my classmates and my teachers and try to imprint every little detail of every little second in the deepest corners of my memory. I feel like I should be writing everything that makes me laugh or cry or think. 


It's the whole "herd of wildebeests stampeding towards you" kind of thing all over again: They're coming and no force in the world can stop them. The end is coming. And no force in the world can stop it.

Risks: 18

Hugs: 2

Current food cravings/obsessions: 

Playlist(s) on repeat: "The [Ninja] Master"