Before I go on, can we all just pause and appreciate how Sick Kendall writes such fun posts? The last one had self-deprecating humor, arrogance, seriousness, genuine enthusiasm, excitement, and a bunch of other stuff. Only Sick Kendall would be able to write something as rollercoaster-ish as that and then drag us along with him on the ride.
Bu you had to say it, didn't you? You had to say that "Positive Jen is the best Jen."
(Sorry to disappoint everyone, but this is going to be only for a tiny little bit. Depressed/Bipolar Jen feels the need to explain herself, so please bear with her as she tries to get this off our chest.)
This is the second time that Kendall's mentioned my positivity in my posts so far this month. Ironically, I've been feeling so broken lately. I've been having a rough time because of Relay--just overwhelmed and upset about so many things. I've begun to think of going to class and work as my "breaks," my allotted stress-free times. I've become dependent on happy music to help me get through hard days. I've gotten less and less sleep and things just keep piling onto my already-full plate. I am surprised that I am not sick yet (knock on wood). And I can't help but feel that all I really want is to get as far away from my life as possible.
I ended up crying this morning. I had to step out of my first class to lock myself in a bathroom stall so that I could stop myself before it got worse and embarrassing. And I texted Shayne and--bless her heart, I love her so much--she replied with tons of encouragements and then showed up with a brownie and a hug (though a jokingly reluctant one!) after my first class.
Then Rebecca sent me a text right before I got off work asking if she and I could walk back to the dorms together. I had to let her know that I still had some stuff to do for Relay so she can just go ahead without me. But she said she wanted to help so she came with me to the lockers where I had to pick up some Relay stuff. She paid for my Starbucks and helped me put ad cards at Paradise Palms and helped me write Relay event info using chalk on some sidewalks. I was planning to do everything by myself but she made it so much more fun and the time went by faster than it would have felt had I tackled it all alone.
And then there's you, Kerms. Don't get me wrong man, having you as one of my best friends makes me love being alive (you are pretty awesome, like your most recent post purports, not gonna lie). But I also hate you because you have such high expectations and I meet them most of the time because I try so hard, but when I fail, I just feel like crap. Which is both good because you make me want to be better but bad because I feel so guilty when I realize I'm not what even I hope myself to be. You and I both know that you often give me too much credit than I really deserve for my strength. I used to think that I was one of the strongest people ever and I appreciate that a part of you still kinda thinks that.
(Okay, we're just almost done with Depressed/Bipolar Jen's spiel.)
Nevertheless, I am grateful. I may be bitter and whiny and negative sometimes, and a real zapper the rest of the time, but I am always thankful for the people I have in my life because really, I think I am not doing any of this for me anymore. I am doing everything that I do because I know that people still believe in me even if I've begun to lose some faith.
We always talk about the Universe being such a troll. Like, really. WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR LIFE, UNIVERSE?? It's funny because the Universe never fails to give us just what we need, whether we really want any of it or not, especially during the hardest times.
Our guest speaker in speech lecture today was Makana. He sang and played his guitar, of course. But he also spoke of tons of key things that coincidentally applies to my life right now--about how important it is to believe that "nothing ever goes wrong"; how no matter how prepared you are, being effective in whatever you do means being able to throw away what you've mastered and planned and responding naturally to whatever the Universe throws at you; about how being able to respond naturally to unexpected and unforeseen things that may look like mistakes and disasters at first is key in making these very things look like perfections and meant-to-be occurrences; about how self-confidence means getting rid of your fear and taking risks that mean something significant to you personally, and a bunch of other stuff that made me feel better and energized.
Like. What even, Universe. All I can do is smile and shake my head at you and your antics.
To end this on a definitely positive note: IT'S KENDALL'S BIRTHDAY WEEK!!! WOOHOOO! I hope you get better soon. Sick Kendall shouldn't be here on your Birthday Week...
Tootles poodles.
Risks: 44
Books Read: 8
Thank You Notes Written: 13
Caffeinated Drinks Consumed So Far in April: 10
0 comments!:
Post a Comment