And That's on Wicked

Dear Kendall (April 27, 2021)

Okay diva, buckle in cause this is a doozy. There's so many layers this time around so let's start with looking back before we dive into today. This is the 9th letter you've written to yourself. 8 years since you were a senior in high school. It's so fun to look back, especially at all the old blog posts and see how much you've changed and grown but honestly how much you've stayed the same. I always think about how when I was blank age, I never would have imagined where I am now, which is more true than ever right now. But I think what's so special about that is I am able to grow and change without knowing it's coming or happening. That's how life happens, it doesn't tell you it just arrives and you go with it. And you hope that on that journey you keep with you what makes you special and you let go what holds you back. I know that I'm not at the perfect place quite yet but that's apart of the fun, always striving towards better. 

It's really funny looking back on a year ago. It almost seems like that year didn't even happen, it was a blip and has been cut out all together. I love looking back though and looking at pictures and remembering. As much as in the moment I felt guilty and bad, I now miss those days and adventures. I think about how much I wasted certain opportunities and didn't take advantage of everything offered to me. Being stuck at home especially has made me realize once I am able to have those adventures again, I am enjoying them to the fullest extent possible. 

But let's recap this past year. Since April 27, 2019, I was in Canada. I came home and watched 2019 graduate. I found my new place in a setting that was familiar but not the same. I accepted that this was a new time and that things were not gonna be the same. I found theatre and felt all the ups and downs. I went to the wedding which was such a beautiful impact of old and new. I travelled back to the places that felt like home. I grew my family. I watched relationships evolve and mature and grow. I came up with a plan. I got into grad school. My niece was born. And now I'm stuck at home for who knows how long. 

As special as this past year has been the really defining features have been discovering what I'm here for and what my goals are for the future. The future doesn't look blurry anymore, I have  clear path and set goal for what I want to do. And while I still want more than just that, I know that that's okay because now I have the time to plan for those too. And in the meantime, enjoy everything as much as I can. 

Life has changed in such an unexpected way these past few months. I don't know when it's gonna end or where things are gonna go from here. While it's been challenging and difficult, I'm glad that I've been able to reconnect with those that are important to me and to the things that mean the most to me. It may be difficult now but I hope that you are able to look back at this strange time in life with some fondness. And most of all I hope that you are able to enjoy this year. That's really what this is all about. Enjoy life. Love others. Make the most of your time here. The rest falls into place. The rest will come and go. But you need to remember to enjoy every moment to it's fullest because you're definitely not getting younger. And even though I may not know exactly where you'll be in 2021 because of the world right now I know you'll be okay. 

Stay safe. Smile lots. Send love. 

Kendall (April 27, 2020)

Sister Snatched

She's back back back again!! 

Dear Kendall (April 27, 2020), 

*NOTE* I am writing this a week early because I'll be out of the country on the actual day so I jus want to make sure it gets done, I promise to get it right next year!

Okay. Wow. So many thoughts where to even start. I think I'm going to break this letter into 3 parts. 

Part one. Reflection. Kendall. This is the eighth time that you have written a letter to yourself. I know you love reminding yourself of your accomplishments, but I think that's important. It's so important for you to remember that you have done great things and will continue to do so. Eight years you've been looking forward to the future and I think that this year is one of the most poignant. Which leads to...

Part two. We need to talk about this past year. That's so funny that you didn't know where you would be. I mean, it makes sense. But when I wrote last years letter feels SO long ago. And the fact that I didn't have plans past January and I was really just letting up to the universe to decide. And I think the funniest part is all of those things were somewhat true. I am very broke and somewhat homeless. I am somewhere else out in the world, Virginia. I am moving back home in two weeks (one week once this letter is out). And I have been traveling the world this whole year. This past year has been so important for so many reasons. Honestly so much has happened it really blows my mind. I think that the way I felt about home a year ago is important. It's important because that isn't how you felt when you first made the decision to leave. But then things changed. You got attached. You found your passion. Something that I didn't necessarily imagine would happen. Being away this year has showed me that. And while being at Disney was amazing and I know that it is a passion of mine, I just felt guilty being there. That's something that I've been struggling with all year, the guilt of what I'm doing is selfish and pointless. Why be here when I could be doing something important. Well, because I didn't know that it was important then. And now you do. Traveling the world has been amazing. Spending time with your family has been priceless. These are things that I always wanted to do and you go the chance to do it. And even though it was hard at times and didn't always feel right, I hope that you are able to look back at this year and just be happy. This was so special and you need to know that. 

And now, part three. The future. Kendall, when you read this you will be newly 26. I have told myself that 25 will be different. It's the year that I grow up. The year that I start taking care of myself and those around me. The year that I dedicate myself to what's important. Now that doesn't mean I'm changing who I am or the person I am. But just what I choose to put my time and energy into. I need to make the most of my time here and that means taking care of me in every aspect possible. It's funny reading what I said about sabotaging myself. I kind of forgot about that idea. While it's kind of true, I see now that I wasn't trying to make my life harder, I was just trying to justify a decision that I was scared about. Kendall, I hope that it doesn't feel like you gave up. Yes you are going back to something familiar, but that is all the reason why this past year for you needs to be the best and hardest yet. You need to try. You need to take risks. You need to push yourself and grow and learn and evolve. You need to grow into the person who I know you can be. Don't be stagnate. Don't settle. This is the only time we get and it would be such a waste to let it go by. I don't know what this next year holds or how it will treat you. But at the end of the day you need to make the most of your time here. So have fun. Care for others. Smile. And never forget what it is that makes you you. Keep going. And see you soon. 

Love forever and always, 

Kendall (April 27, 2019)

If She Breathes

This blog's main purpose is officially to just house my yearly letters to myself. I'm cool with it. 

Dear Kendall (April 27, 2019), 

Listen y'all, this is the SEVENTH letter that you have written to yourself. Let that just sink in for a second. Either way here we are. We got a lot to discuss! Last year you recapped the past 6 years and it was so great, I loved it. But now especially, there is a lot happening in the next year so let's talk about it. 

When you are reading this in 2019, I don't know where you will be. I mean that in so many ways. Physically, where are you? In an apartment in California? On the streets cause you're broke and homeless? Back home cause you left? Or maybe just somewhere else out in the world? Regardless of where you are, I'm happy for you because you are doing it. 

I know you could never forget where you are but let's talk about right now. I don't know if you've ever been as happy as you are now. You are surrounded by so many people you love and everyday you are just embracing yourself and letting others in. This experience has been unlike any other and it really has changed so much for me and I love it. But also that's why I had to leave. 

Here's the real tea if you're ready, I think that I feel a need to sabotage myself. Like things are so good right now, but I want it to go wrong. For my whole life, I've been doing what I've thought I am supposed to do. Making the decisions that were set up for me that seemed right. But I've never actually had to make any hard choices. So I want to put myself in a place where I have to make choices. I know this makes no sense and is ridiculous, but this year I've been more and more reckless and I think that's why. I know it's probably not a good thing, but like, we doin it and who knows what will happen. I think that part excites me. 

There are some big things ahead for you in the immediate future and I'm so excited, but also I'm excited for now. I'm excited for who you have been, who you are, and who you will be. I know I say this to everyone but I mean this to you the most, thank you for being you. That's all I could ask for. 

With Three Peace and Love,
Kendall (April 27, 2018)

Things That She Did: That

Wowowowowow look at me here on the #blog. What a guy. But listen, I think regardless of what happens to this blog, I will always be back on April 27. This is THE day, so here it goes.

Dear Kendall (April 27, 2018), 

Wow. I don't know what else to say. It's been FIVE years since I wrote the first letter. In the grand scheme of things, five years is nothing, it's literally a millisecond in the landscape of the universe. However, for Kendall, five years has been a LONG time and so much has happened and changed, but also not. But before we get into that, let's just have a recap. This is where you were at each year when you wrote that letter:

2012: A senior in high school. This one blows my mind the most. I was literally 18 years old. And I had no clue what was coming next. 
2013: A freshman in college. I was still figuring things out. I think my mind was trying to pretend like things weren't different. That I was growing. That things were happening. 
2014: This is when things were starting to sink in, but I was still thinking from a stand point as that senior in high school. Worried about changing who I was and what I was supposed to be. 
2015: This one is the most interesting. This was a BIG year for you. Especially this time specifically. You were, in a way, broken. The weight of how far I had come finally crashed on me. It was all finally real and I had to learn how to deal with that. 
2016: This is post broken, but pre new. I was still navigating this new world and trying to figure out where I belonged. You were a senior in college. It was such a transitional phase. You didn't know where you were going or what was going to happen, but you were here for it all.

And now we are here. I've said this before, but I think about what my past self think about what I'm doing now and no matter what I never would have imagined this is where I would be now. I'm at home. I'm teaching. I get to hang out with one of my best friends every day. I have so many amazing students. Like, you made it, Kendall. 

I was reading through the old letters and this was one line that stood out to me from 2014, "I want you to live up to the potential that you have been creating for yourself." Just take that in for a second. It all clicked once I read that. All the years leading up to this, I have been creating this potential for myself. All that time I was so upset with myself for not being what I wanted to be, but I realize now that I just wasn't able to yet. But here I am. 

Yes, I'm an adult now. That's still wild and I'm not 100% how to navigate it at all times, but I think the best part about it is that I have the freedom to do what I think is right. I don't have all these barriers anymore, many of which were honestly self inflicted. I've finally allowed myself to do what I've always wanted to do. And it feels so good. 

So where does that leave you? I'm not really sure. Even if I don't 100% know where I'm gonna be a year from now, that's okay. That doesn't mater as much anymore. I just know that if I'm continuing to do what's important and special to you, that that's all that matters. Keep doing you, Kendall. It's finally working. 

Three Peace and Love,
Kendall (April 27, 2017)

Breathe In

I’m feeling some type of way. And whenever I’m feeling THIS type of way, I end  up here. Though my presence in this space has become scarce, I still return and visit with old Jens and Kendalls left behind on these webpages. Kendall is right in that this has become a place where we can reflect on not only how far we’ve come but also where we’re headed, even if we don’t know where we’re headed. Actually, ESPECIALLY, if we don’t know where we’re headed.

I guess I’m in that situation right now where I am acutely feeling doubts and anxiety about what’s to come because I have no idea what to expect. Last month I had a mini panic attack after reading an article The New York Times wrote about how Obama entered his presidency in 2008 with enthusiasm for what was to come and drive to achieve the impossible, only to spend two terms realizing the limits of his actions and how divided a nation that elected its first African American president in 2008 really is eight years later. A little over three weeks ago, I was working on applications for co-op #3 this summer, all the while frustrated that I have not come closer to an answer to the question, “What law would you like to practice?” Last week, I registered for the five classes I will take in the spring quarter, in the hopes that one of them will give the future somewhat of a recognizable shape, a breath of relief from the vague outline I have been trying to decipher since I first stepped into Northeastern’s hallways. I am more than halfway into my law school career and I still don’t know. And it is crushing crushing crushing.

But is it really the not knowing that is bothering me? The more I think about it, I feel like I do not feel anxious about not knowing what is to come. Rather, I feel anxious about the possible disappointment that may indeed come. Every day, I go to work and think, “Today might be the day I realize I am not as smart as I think I am. Today might be the day I realize my limits.” And then I think, “How did I get here, living every day in constant dread, believing that there will be a moment when I have to face the music, put my hands up, and say, ‘All right, the gig is up. This is ALL I’m ever going to be, nothing more.’?”

Last month, on some whim, I took a look at what I wrote here on my 18^th birthday back in 2012. You know what I wrote about? Invincibility. The superpower that you have when you’re young and you believed that anything was possible. And nothing, no one, could touch us, could break us down, or let alone tell us, “You CAN’T.” We had everything sort of planned out until 2012. And then beyond that, we didn’t think, “Oh no what now?” We dared to think, “YES anything can happen and we will make it so.”

All my life, I’ve been working to be something, to be someone, I can be proud of. I never once did think it was necessary for me to pause every once in a while and ask, “What about the person I am now? Am I not proud to be her? Am I not happy to be her? Do I have to keep improving?” But there is the dilemma, you see, because there is always room for improvement. We can always be better. What I failed to learn early on and am struggling to remind myself every day is that you can be perfectly happy with the person you are now while also recognizing that you can be better.

Kendall says that has been the most telling change in me all these years—my self-awareneness and my dedication to be better. But what if that is just the amplification of my insecurities that I will never be happy with myself, whoever I may be, at any given time?

No surprises here, like every young 20-year-old woman, I have insecurities about the way I look and doubts about my abilities and fears about my mistakes and anxieties about the unknowable future. And it’s hard to keep going when every day, you learn something new and, in learning that new thing, you realize you don’t really know anything. At all.

But it’s moments like these when I have no choice but to turn to those who never cease to care for me and remind me that everything will be okay. Brandon and Kendall and Shayne and Adrienne and Quintin and Heide and Nicolyn and Erik and Kirk and more. I am lucky I have constant reminders to take it day by day, to keep my chin up, and to say, “I’m proud of myself for doing my best today. And I believe in myself to do better tomorrow.”

Of all the things that Kendall has taught me, one in particular that comes to mind now, is that whenever you’re feeling anxious or confused, ground yourself in what you know to be true: In February, I go back to Boston for class. I will be taking classes that excite me. In the summer, I will be back in New York City on my third co-op, working for a small firm that believes in and does great work in trying to achieve workplace justice. I may not know beyond that, but it will be okay. 

I will know more each day. I will do my best today. And I will do better tomorrow. Over and over and over again.

Problematic, Hypercritical, Superficial

I find myself thinking a lot about life lately (lately? Honestly, half my time is spent thinking and reflecting for no reason). I think and think about what life was and what it is now. So much is different yet so much is not. I think what's really wild and what makes me sad, nostalgic, and ultimately happy is the fact that this blog exists. If there is ever a point in time over the past 7 years that I want to think back on and see what I was doing, thinking, and feeling, I can. Yes, things have become a little more scarce on here over the past year, but it's still there. I guess that's the point of writing a journal or a diary. That's what this is, except it's public for the world to see, because that's not weird or narcissistic at all. But the morality of this is aside from the point. I'm here because I was looking back, particularly to the past few posts and seeing how different things have become. Since I last really was here, I did so much. I was working two crazy jobs, one for the Disney store and the other for a radio station that I loved. I was spending the final days with my friends and family in Washington. I went to Orlando and Miami and had so many fun and problematic adventures. I went to Canada and saw twenty one pilots again on my birthday because why not. I graduated college. I came home and taught 3 classes. One was terrible. Two were amazing. I saw my children again and saw them grow and become even more amazing. I was terribly sick and couldn't figure out why for two months. I grew into my skin as an adult and teacher. I said no to a new job. But then I was tricked into saying yes. And now, here I am, a full fledged teacher, teaching a subject I know nothing about yet trying my best everyday. 

In one of my last posts, I talked about how every time I go into something new, I get THAT feeling. That feeling where I just want to run away and never look back. That feeling where I think that it's just easy and better if I just give up. Going into this job, a real adult job, I didn't get that feeling. Maybe it was because I had experience teaching. Maybe it was because my best friend was working there too. Maybe it was because I didn't apply for it but I was presented it. Maybe it was because it was so close to home. Or maybe it was because I'm growing up. I've felt and seen myself grow and mature so much in the past few months, I don't understand it sometimes. I'm planning lessons, learning how to read kids moods and emotions, using technology that I don't know how to use, creating activities, being an adult and role model. These are things I never thought I would be able to do, at least not without the proper training. It's so weird and so foreign yet so comfortable, that it just feels so wrong. A thought I always have is, what would a year ago me think? A year ago, I was just getting into working at Disneyland. I was with Ryan. I was meeting new people and making new friends. That was so new and foreign, but I also loved every second of it. Or at least I think that now looking back, but did I think that then? Probably not. Regardless, I wouldn't have imagined me getting to this point so quickly. A year ago me wouldn't be able to do what I'm doing today. That's wild to me. 

I think the biggest thing that I think about it the fact that I'm here, almost that I'm stuck. I've made a commitment. I know exactly where I'll be and what I'm doing until next July. Whereas a few months ago, I didn't even know what I'd be doing the next day. I loved that spontaneity. I lived for the unknown. I truly do enjoy what I'm doing. But the thought of me having this routine for years and years just scares me. There are days I want to go. I want to fly to Europe. I want to go to Tokyo Disney. I want to go eat at Chipotle. I want to watch a play. I want to take a nap. I want the spontaneity. But I don't have that right now. And that's not bad. Yes, there is the possibility that I could be back to the unknown messiness that I have been used to in July. But I've also transitioned into becoming an adult and I have be to responsible. I'm not upset about where I am now, I guess I just miss the places and the things that I've done. This goes back to what I said in one of my last posts. I need to enjoy and remember and live in the moment. Because there will come a time I will miss it. I will miss my life as it is right now someday. So I need to live in it now, because it is amazing and I have to appreciate that and love that. 

Honestly though, there's one thing that blows my mind about all this. Even through all the change. All the new faces and new places. All the ups and downs and craziness of life. There are still those things that make you feel safe and familiar and happy. And Jen will always be one of those. I was just looking through our "Things we need to do" page and I can't help but smile at all the things that we actually have done now. 

Pretend like you're Rachel Cohn and David Levithan for a duo project 

We completely did this one in New York. Our Dash and Lily adventure was probably one of the most incredible travel activities I've ever experienced. 

DATE WEEKEND (*all activities are marked with an asterisk)

We totally did this in New York. 

Go to The Wizarding World of Harry Potter in Orlando

Granted not together, but still done. 

Finish supposed NaNoWriMo 2010 novels 

Okay only I did this, but Jen totally helped me. 

Drink Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill wine (when we are of age, of course)

I've done this one. But also, Jen is here for wine so I feel like she might have too? 

Stalk someone well, but not so creepily (none of this failure business)

There's no way we haven't done this. 

Go up to the 30th floor of the First Hawaiian Center (Hawaii's tallest building), then go back down to the first floor without getting off on any of the floors (jump multiple times inside as a bonus)

We definitely tried this and failed, BUT WE TRIED OKAY.

See a Broadway musical production in Broadway

I still don't believe that this actually did happen, but it did. 

Honestly, getting to spend a few days in New York city with Jen was unreal. It was such a culmination of our entire friendship. It was the first time we were together in a foreign and new place. We got to spend full days together and plan adventures and eat meals and just spend time together. It was so amazing because even though it was in a new environment and we hadn't seen each other in a year, it was such a testament to our friendship because it was perfect. Yes New York was amazing and incredible and I loved it, but what really made it truly amazing was being with Jen because that's what made me feel at home. 

In life there will be things that happen and change and turn life upside down. And those are good things. Those are things to embrace and enjoy and live in. But when those things get hard. Or even when you just need a break, there are those constants. Those things that no matter what happens, no matter how much times passes, they will always be there. There are things that will never change and will always be there for you. Don't forget about those things. They are what get you through. 

Letter to Myself 2016

Well, it's that time of year again, time for the 5th annual letter to myself... 

Dear Kendall (April 27, 2017),

This is the 5th time I'm writing a letter to myself, that's crazy to me. Every year I go back and read over the previous letters and it's so funny to see the progress. But also, It's a good reminder of everything that happened that year. A common theme I talk about is change. I think that's something I'm weary of, I don't know, I'm scared of it, but also excited by it, but not excited enough to embrace it sometimes, you know? That's something that's changed this past year.

I can't help but find it hilarious that last's years letter was written on the day it was, it was the day a big part of my life changed, I realized that I still had to write the letter late that night and just laughed because I knew I wasn't in the right mindspace to write a letter, but I did it. But here I am, a year later and so much has changed and happened, that day seems like a different lifetime. This past year was easily the most insane, new, crazy, scary year of my life. I did so many new and exciting things. I taught, I went on a trip through Asia, I did the college program, I moved on my own, I got two new jobs, and so many things in between. And while I'm still not 100% sure where I'm going and that is something that scares me a lot, I think that it will be alright. 

Here I sit as a college senior and you are going to read this letter in a year, a year into this whole thing called adulthood. I don't know where you'll be. I don't know what you'll be doing. I don't know anything about 2017 Kendall and honestly, that's kind of exciting. There are so many possibilities for the future. You've spent the past 4 years perfecting who you are, it's time for you to go out into the world and be. Be the Kendall who've I've wanted to see spread his greatness throughout the world. Be the Kendall who will change lives and make magic and do good for those around you and those not. There's so many possibilities and opportunities, there's no way you can choose wrong. 

So as a Kendall who is a year younger, all I can ask of you is to do what's right and to have fun while doing it. As long as you keep that in mind this year, there's no way things can go wrong. Until next year.

Three Peace and Love,
Kendall (April 27, 2016)

The 11th of April

A small yellow and orange blown glass figurine of a lovebird--one of a pair--sits next to my Sharpies jar. A white book entitled "I THINK AM IN FRIEND-LOVE WITH YOU" leans against my alarm clock. A folded piece of blue construction paper showing "JEN" in bold letters, with a handwritten letter inside, is taped to the white wall, right underneath the light switch near my bedroom door. A small brown leather-bound notepad embossed with butterflies sit atop my copy of The Time Traveler's Wife, which holds between its pages a metal bookmark with intricate cutouts and a purple knot. And on the lower left corner of my desk, near where my left arm rests as I type on my laptop is a small picture--worn and old, it shows Norman Rockwell's painting, "High Dive," with the words "GOOD LUCK JEN! And don't foget (as if you could)...Just Jump!"

Hello old friends. 

My name is Jen, and Kendall is one of my best friends. For the past seven years, he has played a major part of my life. In high school, we served others and created moments and learned from each other. In college, we spent much of it apart as he went off to Seattle and I stayed home. We made mistakes and tried new adventures and forged new paths, separately but always side by side. Now, I am in Boston, finishing my first year of law school, and Kendall is on the other side of the continent, in Seattle, finishing his last year of college. Several months since we saw each other last, still, little mementos of his love litter my desk where I spend most of my time in my room. And no matter where life takes me next, I know I will have the same mementos follow me, guide me, watch over me--just as Kendall has and continues to do in a way only Kendall can, even from afar. 

Several days ago, after an especially grueling two weeks of memos due, final presentations, and oral arguments, I felt ready to quit it all. And in true Kendall fashion, with no questions asked and no details needed, I received a lengthy pep talk via text that made me smile inside and out. Words cannot describe how thankful I am to have this man in my life--Kendall, I have said this many a time, and I will continue to say it so long as it is true: you truly are all sorts of wonderful.

Today, is Kendall's birthday, a truly special day. And definitely one that warrants a comeback here in this blog where our best friendship started and something that, as Kendall said in his previous blog, will always hold our memories. Though I may no longer frequent this special place of ours, I still keep everything that we've had close to my heart. (And I do come back from time to time to see what he's up to!)

Kendall is not an outwardly affectionate person. People make him uncomfortable sometimes, talking is awkward and feelings are even worse. But never in the time I have known him have I ever doubted that he truly cares about his family, friends, mentors, loved ones. Because to him, his actions have always made his love obvious; there is never any need for him to vocalize them. He creates a family of sorts with the people he meets everywhere. He brings his own unique verve to everything he does. He is thoughtful, carefree, inquisitive, and always up for an adventure. 

Thank you, Kerms. Happy 22nd birthday! I love you, and three peace.

My Youth is Yours

Hey guys!

Funny seeing me here again, huh? I know no one is reading, but that's alright. This whole blog started off as a way for Jen and I to connect. Actually, to be more exact, this blog started because I read Jen's bucket list and blogging was on it and I decided we could do it together. That was in 2009. Since then, a lot has happened and changed, as has this blog, but that's alright. At this point, this blog is more of my personal diary. From time to time I like to write and this is the place that I choose to do it. And even if Jen doesn't post anything ever, this is still something that will always hold memories. It gives us snapshots in the daily lives of our pasts and that's something that I will forever hold onto. So that's why I'm here, so one day in the future, and I want to know what was going on at this specific time in my life, I'll be able to see just that. 

Four years ago, in the month of February, Jen and I did a really cool thing. Everyday we gave a gift, because there were 29 days in the month and there was a book called 29 gifts so it just seemed so serendipitous. That whole month was great and I feel a great sense of pride for what we accomplished that month. Now, four years later, it's a leap year again with 29 days, again. I thought about doing it again. I thought about giving it another go and seeing what would happen. However, 17 days in, I'm here to tell you that I haven't done it. Now, I could go and blame that on a bunch of things. I'm too busy, I'm too poor, I'm too restricted, I'm not surrounded by the right people or environment. And whether or not those things are true, those aren't the real reason. The real reason is just me. I didn't do it. And that's not to say that I have changed or that I'm not a good person anymore or that I don't care about those things anymore, because that's not true, I do still care. This past summer was a testament to that.

I've spent the past 3 and a half years of my life, really trying to figure out me. Who I am as a person. What do I value. What do I want in life. What do I want to do with my life. How I want to spend my time. Who I want to surround myself with. And while I've gotten some of those answers to an extent, those are things I have to continue to figure out for myself. As I'm moving forward in life, and getting closer and closer to graduation and getting closer and closer to the real world, I have to remember what it was that got me to this point. What I did right. What I cared about. What good I did. 

In my month and a half of being back at school, I've had a lot of free time. More than I know what to do with. I feel restless. I can't wait to get out and to start my real life, but at the same time, I can't help but feel so so sad and nostalgic of what I'm leaving being, and I don't just mean here at UW. I mean my entire youth. I feel like graduating college is the final string to cut. It will completely cut off my youth and innocence. I'll be an adult, I'll be in the real world, and while yes that's scary, I think it's more sad to know that the past is just that, the past. It's with that mentality that I've been looking at relationships in my life. Every conversation I have with someone, I just think, this is finite. It's limited. Enjoy it while it lasts. And while it's important to make it mean something for yourself, make it mean something for them. I want to leave good memories with people. I want to leave happy thoughts. I want to touch their hearts in anyway I can. 

I'm sorry, I feel like this sounds really depressing, but I guess all of what I'm trying to say is that it's so so so so important to make the most of our time here. That's a saying that means the world to me. I have a long and exciting and happy and fun and amazing life ahead of me. And I'm so grateful and excited for that. But that doesn't mean that I should take today for granted. I plan to enjoy every moment. I plan to make every moment count. Because if every moment counts, then I can look back on what I've done and feel proud. Just like I feel proud of what I did four years ago. If I can do that, then I have nothing at all to worry about. 

Stay good, My Friends.
#ThreePeace

We've Got No Time for Getting Old; Mortal Body Timeless Soul

It's New Years Eve. Guys. 2015 is over. When did that happen. A lot happened this year and I don't even know. This year there was a lot of trial and error. I failed. Kind of a lot. But I also succeeded. Way more than I ever have. Literally, the most happened this year. I tore it up while I was at school this year. I taught classes this year. I felt the love of the SPO family more than ever. I went to Asia and had my first real international adventure and it was incredible. I started working for Disney and spent 4 month of my life at one of the most amazing places in the world. I became close to so many new and great people. The other day, I was thinking about what I'm doing when I get back to school and how I'm nervous about doing something new and I had THAT feeling inside me. But then I thought. Wait. This feeling is familiar. That's the feeling I felt when I went to Texas by myself Spring Break. That's the feeling I felt when I drove up to school in my fancy teacher clothes knowing that I was stepping foot on that familiar campus as something completely different than ever before. That's the feeling I felt when I got off the plane in Seoul. That's the feeling I felt when I got to Disney. That's the feeling I felt on my first day off training not knowing what to do. That's the feeling I felt going into a relationship for the first time. This year was completely full of fear and not knowing what's going to happen. So when I was thinking about the future and felt that feeling, I realized that I've gotten past that. New things can be scary. We can internalize that fear and let it consume us or we can use it. Let it empower us. New things are scary, but then they become familiar and comfortable. I'm ready for what's coming next. I may know less about what I'm doing then I did before. I may be an even bigger mess than ever before. I may have no clue where I'm going. But I'm ready. I'm ready for the unknown. I'm ready for the future.
Last year, I said 

"I know that this is cliche and it's what everyone says about every year, but 2015 is it. It's THE year. I don't know why yet, but I know. And I kind of have to too. If I think 2015 is going to be a crap year, am I really giving it a chance to be great? No. 2015 is going to be the year. My year. And I can't wait for it."

This is so true. 2015 was what I made of it and I made it the best. It's a self fulfilling prophecy. 2015 was THE year. But now, it's 2016's turn. And it will be THE year. Again. But better. So here's to whatever 2016 brings. Here's to the mess. Here's to the adventures. Here's to the ups and the downs and the food. I know this whole blog thing has kind of become extinct, but I find comfort knowing that this is here and it will continue to be here. So thank you fam. For this year. For every year before. And every year to come. 

<3 Kendall

I'm Still Here

So. It's been a while. The last time I posted was at the end of April. And oh god. So much has happened since then. Honestly, so much has happened this whole year. Why am I here again? Well. I watched Naomi and Ely's No Kiss List tonight. And, well, we know that that story is very triggering for me. (Quick review though, the movie made me very uncomfortable, more cause of what it meant to me, but as a movie it was pretty good, I live for Victoria Justice that's why probably). 

This blog is an interesting place. We've been using it since our 10th grade year. Like, it's been around for forever. And while it started as a place for Jen and I to connect and let our friendship grow, I think it became a place for both of us to grow. I've written so much on here. A lot of it may be vague or not make sense to most people or just plain boring nonsense, but I've put it all out on here. I LOVE going back and reading what I've said. This is a place where I take all my jumbled thoughts and try to make sense out of them and reliving the realizations that I once made make things clear again. So I'm gonna do just that, I'm gonna put it all out there. 

What happened in April left me numb. I wouldn't say I was sad or happy. I didn't feel like something was missing but I didn't feel complete. It didn't feel real. It felt like a temporary blank space in my life that would quickly change. But as time went on. It didn't. And I learned quickly that I had to fill that space myself. I had a lot of fun in those few months still at school. Yeah, I probably was way more problematic than I should have been. After my birthday, I admittedly drank way too much and had some really crazy nights. I became obsessed with a lot of new things like Marvel and video games and everything. I took a risk with a boy and got let down. I spent a lot of nights walking, thinking, trying to feel. I let myself immerse into the bunch and just let go. I completely let go and had my neck destroyed and dealt with the consequences with my aunt and cousin and then had to just let everything out. I jumped in the fountain, drank hards watching the city, I hid, I danced, I sang. I won a contest and had one of the best days of my life and it was mine. Those few months were a complete mess and they were new and fun and ridiculous and difficult but it was what I needed. 

Then I came back home. Except instead of coming home like before, it was so different. It was an unfamiliar familiarity. I was in a new house, in a new bed, surrounded by new walls. I was thrust into new positions given new responsibilities by familiar people. It was terrifying, but so rewarding. I taught two classes. I got to know students and tried to connect to them and learn about them and be the role model they needed. I was with people I had known before but we were all together in a different way. The office was such a different but stronger family. Jen was back and it felt so good to have her there. Everything about this summer was new but it was, again, what I needed. From meeting the Yamamotos, to being stupid with Jen, Courtney, and Josh, to being stupid with Tiffany, Rebecca, and Gavin, to getting to know Mini, to freaking out about my trip, to getting my wisdom teeth out, to creating beautiful moments, it didn't entirely feel like home, but it didn't feel bad. I don't know what feels like home anymore. I don't know if anything will feel like home again. 

Then I went on my trip. I really forget that that happened most of the time. The trip was so incredible. I saw the world. That's honestly the dream. I did so much and actually grew so much. Going with Kirk was, again, so unfamiliarly familiar. He had been someone in my life for so long, but letting him in like that was so new and exactly what I needed. I experienced so much. I realized how easy it is, to just go, even by myself. The world was ready for me. 

And then I was back home for a minute just to come here. To California. I've been here for a month and there is so much to feel about it. It's a new bubble. When I got here, it was so overwhelming I couldn't do it. But the thing was, I was able to adjust so quickly. Everything I've done this year has been getting used to new and unfamiliar situations. I remember being so scared the first night I slept in my dorm freshman year, my first night away from home in an unfamiliar bed. But now, it seems like that's all I do. It's sad, but it's what I'm able to do and that's good. Being here and working at Disney has been almost not real. Being surrounded by all these new people has been weird and uncomfortable, but it's also been good. It makes me feel apart of something. And to top it all off, this whole experience has basically been defined by Ryan. This is so new to me and I don't know what I'm doing or how any of this works, but he feels right. 

I have so many people in my life. So many great, incredible, wonderful people and that has been so obvious to me these past few months and I'm so grateful and happy about that. There is so much love in my life and I'm so lucky. But I can't help but feel alone in it all. I still don't know what I'm doing or where I'm going. I don't know what's going to happen next and I'm terrified about that. But that's all okay. Everyday I tell myself that it's a good life. I actually have an incredible life. So much is good in my life and everyday is worth it. Nothing feels familiar anymore and I think that's what scares me the most. But I'm learning how to deal with that and how to use that. Most days I think about life pre April. Even though it sucked, it felt familiar, it felt normal. I think I'm still scared of living life on my own. I know that this is all for the best and I'm actually really happy, but it will still be scary. And that's okay. I'll find that again one day. Better yet, I'll make it myself. 

Books Read: 6 (I wanna say that's right. Too lazy to check...)
Airplanes Ridden: 20 
Concerts Attended: 26

Wake Up You Need To Make Money

Wow. This is the first BEDA since 2010 that we just did horribly. But that's okay. Because life happens. 

I don't know. Today was cool. I saw my parents, got new clothes, watched the beautiful thing that was the Avengers (I can't start talking about it because once I start I won't be able to stop). 

As a whole, I don't know, this month has been interesting. It's been the start of a lot of new things that I have ahead of me. It's been a glimpse into what my life can be like. It's been good, but it could have been better. I'm ready to make it better. 

Times Eaten at Chipotle: 2

Books Read: 4
Airplanes Ridden: 10
Concerts Attended: 25

We Would Build a Rocket Ship and Then We’d Fly it Far Away

Life.

So like, I was thinking about today (which, by the way, was a super long and stressful and tiring day that isn't even close to being done by the way) how pretty soon, everything that was once familiar and like before will be gone. After this summer, which will be the last taste of what my life was like before, everything will be new and different. And this terrifies me but is also so exciting. In a way I can start new. I can finally do what I want to do and be the person I want to be. I may not know exactly what I want or what I want to do or where I want to be, but I know what I want to strive towards and while I'm sad to leave familiarities behind, it'll be okay because the future will be so much better. I sometimes get so restless because I want so bad to be somewhere else. I want to be past all this. I want the future. But it's not all about where you end up, but it's also about how you get there. And I'm getting there. I need to use that. I need to take advantage of that. I may not have it all figured out, but things are looking up and I can't wait. 

Times Eaten at Chipotle: 1

Books Read: 4
Airplanes Ridden: 10
Concerts Attended: 25

My Name's Blurryface and I Care What You Think

Hey guys. You know. BEDA is hard. Life is hard. This month has been a time. But I'm here, finishing strong. (Thanks B). 

I don't know, today was a day. First, just dealing with Stressed Out coming out last night. Like, ugh, I can't with this life sometimes. Also, I went to tutor today again. It went well, I'm a lot more worried about tomorrow because one of my classes is an AP Calc class and I don't know any of the material and I'm no help at all. But oh well. Also, Agents of SHIELD is too much. Marvel is too much. I really can't deal with it. Ugh. 

Today was also just interesting dealing with life. I don't know. I'm not in a bad place, I'm just in a place to get my life together and do something meaningful. It will happen. Also, I just thought it was serendipitous that I found out Jen and I would be working together again. That's news that I needed. This summer will honestly be incredible and I can't wait. 

Life man. 

Times Eaten at Chipotle: 1

Books Read: 4
Airplanes Ridden: 10
Concerts Attended: 25

Letter to Myself 2015

Dear Kendall (April 27, 2016),

This certainly has been a year, hasn't it? There were ups, downs, twists, turns, so much life happened and I don't even know what to say about it all. You continued to do what you love, I'll give you that. You went to more concerts than I can count. You went on 5 different trips. You found new things. You learned new things. You failed. You got back up. You grew. It's almost a little serendipitous that today would be the day that I have to write this letter. It's the day I walked around after work. A lot. And I thought. A lot. I had a plan this past year. It didn't work out. I still haven't gotten to where I want to be. But the thing is, I can see it coming. I have so many big plans and exciting things coming in the future and I know it will be amazing. Every single one of those things that I wanted for you last year, I still want for you. I'll always want those things for you. But I think that this years has been a time to figure out how to do that.  I've made a lot of mistakes along the way, but that's okay. I'll learn from them. In the next year, I want to see things really pop off. I mean, even in the past few weeks you've done things I never could have imagined. I don't really know what is going to happen. Where I'm going to go. What I'm going to do. But, I know that you will make the most of it. You will do the right thing, even if it's not easy. Everything that's happened so far has happened for a reason. To get me somewhere. I may not know where that place is right now, but I'll figure it out, I know I will. Most importantly, I want you to make others happy, and that includes yourself. It's our job to find joy in our lives, and I want you to find as much joy in as many people as you can. And Kendall, you can do this. 

Love,
Kendall (April 27, 2015)

Stand Up Say Hallelujah

Life is full of choices. For the longest time I've been making surprising similar choices in everything I do. But the past few weeks, I've been doing differently. I've made really strange and unique choices. I've acted irrationally. I've taken risks. I've reevaluated. I've decided what's really important to me. I've made new choices. Maybe I feel good about things because they're just different. Maybe it's because I hated what I was doing before. But it feels good. I'm not saying that I've completely changed everything. I'm not a brand new person. No. I haven't changed. I've just learned. I've gained a new perspective.  I've decided to take things into my own hands. Things may not go according not to plan. They may not work out the way you want them to. But that's okay, because they will work out the way they were meant to. I'm not saying that we don't have control of our own fates, because we absolutely do. If we want something done or changed, it's up to us to make that happen. But there are also things out of our own control. And we have to trust that whatever happens is for the best. Everyday we make choices. From the tiniest and most insignificant to the biggest and most influential. But they're all important. I've been making different choices lately. I don't know where it will lead me or where I will go. I don't know what will happen or what will change. But my choices are mine and I plan on making ones that pursue my own happiness. While also helping as many other people as I can. I know that I will help others. And that that's what I'm supposed to do. But I can't do that if there's no me. So right now, I'm choosing me. 

Times Eaten at Chipotle: (I honestly have lost count #sorry) 

Books Read: 4
Airplanes Ridden: 10
Concerts Attended: 25

You've Never Been So Divine In Accepting Your Defeat

I didn't blog yesterday. Sorry not sorry? Life man. I really haven't even been doing anything this week. I don't know, I just have a lot of thoughts all the time and I'm trying to figure them out and figure out life, but it's hard, you know? I don't know what I'm doing most of the time, but that's alright, isn't it? I hope it is at least.

Times Eaten at Chipotle: 2 

Books Read: 4
Airplanes Ridden: 10
Concerts Attended: 25

My Heart is My Armor

Hey guys. 

All I have to say is: Birthday Week.

Started it off with Red Robin. 

#lifegoals

Times Eaten at Chipotle: 1 

Books Read: 4
Airplanes Ridden: 10
Concerts Attended: 25

Sometimes You’ve Got to Bleed to Know, That You're Alive and Have a Soul

Hey guys,

Life man.

Today, I went to church with my aunt. Then we went to visit my grandpa. Facetimed the world. Ate at Taco Bell, then came back. I watched like 4 episodes of Agents of Shield (OMG guys it's so good I've been living/dying).

Then, I knew today that the new twenty one pilots song, Tear in My Heart, was supposed to come out, and it did. And like. Ugh. Okay, their first single of this album, Fairly Local, is so emo and intense and I love it and it's everything. But I know, like I wrote a 10 page paper on it, that they don't really have a genre, but the sound of this new song is so completely different and I don't even understand how this can happen but I love it so much. Also, the fact that this is like the very first love song that Tyler has ever really released. Like, he doesn't write love songs. But it's so adorable and everything, especially since him and Jenna got married last week. And then she's in the video?!?! Like, who are you feeling like? Oh god, I just love it all so much and I can't really even deal with it.  

Times Eaten at Chipotle: 1 

Books Read: 4
Airplanes Ridden: 10
Concerts Attended: 25