I find myself thinking a lot about life lately (lately? Honestly, half my time is spent thinking and reflecting for no reason). I think and think about what life was and what it is now. So much is different yet so much is not. I think what's really wild and what makes me sad, nostalgic, and ultimately happy is the fact that this blog exists. If there is ever a point in time over the past 7 years that I want to think back on and see what I was doing, thinking, and feeling, I can. Yes, things have become a little more scarce on here over the past year, but it's still there. I guess that's the point of writing a journal or a diary. That's what this is, except it's public for the world to see, because that's not weird or narcissistic at all. But the morality of this is aside from the point. I'm here because I was looking back, particularly to the past few posts and seeing how different things have become. Since I last really was here, I did so much. I was working two crazy jobs, one for the Disney store and the other for a radio station that I loved. I was spending the final days with my friends and family in Washington. I went to Orlando and Miami and had so many fun and problematic adventures. I went to Canada and saw twenty one pilots again on my birthday because why not. I graduated college. I came home and taught 3 classes. One was terrible. Two were amazing. I saw my children again and saw them grow and become even more amazing. I was terribly sick and couldn't figure out why for two months. I grew into my skin as an adult and teacher. I said no to a new job. But then I was tricked into saying yes. And now, here I am, a full fledged teacher, teaching a subject I know nothing about yet trying my best everyday.
In one of my last posts, I talked about how every time I go into something new, I get THAT feeling. That feeling where I just want to run away and never look back. That feeling where I think that it's just easy and better if I just give up. Going into this job, a real adult job, I didn't get that feeling. Maybe it was because I had experience teaching. Maybe it was because my best friend was working there too. Maybe it was because I didn't apply for it but I was presented it. Maybe it was because it was so close to home. Or maybe it was because I'm growing up. I've felt and seen myself grow and mature so much in the past few months, I don't understand it sometimes. I'm planning lessons, learning how to read kids moods and emotions, using technology that I don't know how to use, creating activities, being an adult and role model. These are things I never thought I would be able to do, at least not without the proper training. It's so weird and so foreign yet so comfortable, that it just feels so wrong. A thought I always have is, what would a year ago me think? A year ago, I was just getting into working at Disneyland. I was with Ryan. I was meeting new people and making new friends. That was so new and foreign, but I also loved every second of it. Or at least I think that now looking back, but did I think that then? Probably not. Regardless, I wouldn't have imagined me getting to this point so quickly. A year ago me wouldn't be able to do what I'm doing today. That's wild to me.
I think the biggest thing that I think about it the fact that I'm here, almost that I'm stuck. I've made a commitment. I know exactly where I'll be and what I'm doing until next July. Whereas a few months ago, I didn't even know what I'd be doing the next day. I loved that spontaneity. I lived for the unknown. I truly do enjoy what I'm doing. But the thought of me having this routine for years and years just scares me. There are days I want to go. I want to fly to Europe. I want to go to Tokyo Disney. I want to go eat at Chipotle. I want to watch a play. I want to take a nap. I want the spontaneity. But I don't have that right now. And that's not bad. Yes, there is the possibility that I could be back to the unknown messiness that I have been used to in July. But I've also transitioned into becoming an adult and I have be to responsible. I'm not upset about where I am now, I guess I just miss the places and the things that I've done. This goes back to what I said in one of my last posts. I need to enjoy and remember and live in the moment. Because there will come a time I will miss it. I will miss my life as it is right now someday. So I need to live in it now, because it is amazing and I have to appreciate that and love that.
Honestly though, there's one thing that blows my mind about all this. Even through all the change. All the new faces and new places. All the ups and downs and craziness of life. There are still those things that make you feel safe and familiar and happy. And Jen will always be one of those. I was just looking through our "Things we need to do" page and I can't help but smile at all the things that we actually have done now.
Pretend like you're Rachel Cohn and David Levithan for a duo project
We completely did this one in New York. Our Dash and Lily adventure was probably one of the most incredible travel activities I've ever experienced.
DATE WEEKEND (*all activities are marked with an asterisk)
We totally did this in New York.
Go to The Wizarding World of Harry Potter in Orlando
Granted not together, but still done.
Finish supposed NaNoWriMo 2010 novels
Okay only I did this, but Jen totally helped me.
Drink Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill wine (when we are of age, of course)
I've done this one. But also, Jen is here for wine so I feel like she might have too?
Stalk someone well, but not so creepily (none of this failure business)
There's no way we haven't done this.
Go up to the 30th floor of the First Hawaiian Center (Hawaii's tallest building), then go back down to the first floor without getting off on any of the floors (jump multiple times inside as a bonus)
We definitely tried this and failed, BUT WE TRIED OKAY.
See a Broadway musical production in Broadway
I still don't believe that this actually did happen, but it did.
Honestly, getting to spend a few days in New York city with Jen was unreal. It was such a culmination of our entire friendship. It was the first time we were together in a foreign and new place. We got to spend full days together and plan adventures and eat meals and just spend time together. It was so amazing because even though it was in a new environment and we hadn't seen each other in a year, it was such a testament to our friendship because it was perfect. Yes New York was amazing and incredible and I loved it, but what really made it truly amazing was being with Jen because that's what made me feel at home.
In life there will be things that happen and change and turn life upside down. And those are good things. Those are things to embrace and enjoy and live in. But when those things get hard. Or even when you just need a break, there are those constants. Those things that no matter what happens, no matter how much times passes, they will always be there. There are things that will never change and will always be there for you. Don't forget about those things. They are what get you through.
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