I'm Still Here

So. It's been a while. The last time I posted was at the end of April. And oh god. So much has happened since then. Honestly, so much has happened this whole year. Why am I here again? Well. I watched Naomi and Ely's No Kiss List tonight. And, well, we know that that story is very triggering for me. (Quick review though, the movie made me very uncomfortable, more cause of what it meant to me, but as a movie it was pretty good, I live for Victoria Justice that's why probably). 

This blog is an interesting place. We've been using it since our 10th grade year. Like, it's been around for forever. And while it started as a place for Jen and I to connect and let our friendship grow, I think it became a place for both of us to grow. I've written so much on here. A lot of it may be vague or not make sense to most people or just plain boring nonsense, but I've put it all out on here. I LOVE going back and reading what I've said. This is a place where I take all my jumbled thoughts and try to make sense out of them and reliving the realizations that I once made make things clear again. So I'm gonna do just that, I'm gonna put it all out there. 

What happened in April left me numb. I wouldn't say I was sad or happy. I didn't feel like something was missing but I didn't feel complete. It didn't feel real. It felt like a temporary blank space in my life that would quickly change. But as time went on. It didn't. And I learned quickly that I had to fill that space myself. I had a lot of fun in those few months still at school. Yeah, I probably was way more problematic than I should have been. After my birthday, I admittedly drank way too much and had some really crazy nights. I became obsessed with a lot of new things like Marvel and video games and everything. I took a risk with a boy and got let down. I spent a lot of nights walking, thinking, trying to feel. I let myself immerse into the bunch and just let go. I completely let go and had my neck destroyed and dealt with the consequences with my aunt and cousin and then had to just let everything out. I jumped in the fountain, drank hards watching the city, I hid, I danced, I sang. I won a contest and had one of the best days of my life and it was mine. Those few months were a complete mess and they were new and fun and ridiculous and difficult but it was what I needed. 

Then I came back home. Except instead of coming home like before, it was so different. It was an unfamiliar familiarity. I was in a new house, in a new bed, surrounded by new walls. I was thrust into new positions given new responsibilities by familiar people. It was terrifying, but so rewarding. I taught two classes. I got to know students and tried to connect to them and learn about them and be the role model they needed. I was with people I had known before but we were all together in a different way. The office was such a different but stronger family. Jen was back and it felt so good to have her there. Everything about this summer was new but it was, again, what I needed. From meeting the Yamamotos, to being stupid with Jen, Courtney, and Josh, to being stupid with Tiffany, Rebecca, and Gavin, to getting to know Mini, to freaking out about my trip, to getting my wisdom teeth out, to creating beautiful moments, it didn't entirely feel like home, but it didn't feel bad. I don't know what feels like home anymore. I don't know if anything will feel like home again. 

Then I went on my trip. I really forget that that happened most of the time. The trip was so incredible. I saw the world. That's honestly the dream. I did so much and actually grew so much. Going with Kirk was, again, so unfamiliarly familiar. He had been someone in my life for so long, but letting him in like that was so new and exactly what I needed. I experienced so much. I realized how easy it is, to just go, even by myself. The world was ready for me. 

And then I was back home for a minute just to come here. To California. I've been here for a month and there is so much to feel about it. It's a new bubble. When I got here, it was so overwhelming I couldn't do it. But the thing was, I was able to adjust so quickly. Everything I've done this year has been getting used to new and unfamiliar situations. I remember being so scared the first night I slept in my dorm freshman year, my first night away from home in an unfamiliar bed. But now, it seems like that's all I do. It's sad, but it's what I'm able to do and that's good. Being here and working at Disney has been almost not real. Being surrounded by all these new people has been weird and uncomfortable, but it's also been good. It makes me feel apart of something. And to top it all off, this whole experience has basically been defined by Ryan. This is so new to me and I don't know what I'm doing or how any of this works, but he feels right. 

I have so many people in my life. So many great, incredible, wonderful people and that has been so obvious to me these past few months and I'm so grateful and happy about that. There is so much love in my life and I'm so lucky. But I can't help but feel alone in it all. I still don't know what I'm doing or where I'm going. I don't know what's going to happen next and I'm terrified about that. But that's all okay. Everyday I tell myself that it's a good life. I actually have an incredible life. So much is good in my life and everyday is worth it. Nothing feels familiar anymore and I think that's what scares me the most. But I'm learning how to deal with that and how to use that. Most days I think about life pre April. Even though it sucked, it felt familiar, it felt normal. I think I'm still scared of living life on my own. I know that this is all for the best and I'm actually really happy, but it will still be scary. And that's okay. I'll find that again one day. Better yet, I'll make it myself. 

Books Read: 6 (I wanna say that's right. Too lazy to check...)
Airplanes Ridden: 20 
Concerts Attended: 26