Kendall had picked us all up at the dorms. I had my duffel bag of things because he was gonna drop me off at home later that night. We had plans--Gavin, Rebecca, Shannon, Kendall and I--but, at the same time, we didn't really. I mean, yes, we had planned to go to Marukame but ended up ordering two rounds of tacos and whatnot at Taco Bell in McCully. Then, when we couldn't sit there without the TB workers awkwardly staring at our loud and nerdy group any longer, we walked out and Shannon and Kendall both said, "Guys, it's only 8:30. The night is young. What do we do?"
And just like that, Rebecca and I looked at each other and had the same exact thought. We piled into the cars--Gavin and Rebecca in Shannon's and me in Kendall's--and headed up to St. Louis Heights. Hawaii nights can sometimes put a spell on you--maybe not so often in the city as they may amidst nature--which is why walking through Wa'ahila in the moonlight not only reinforced our youth, and the feeling of invincibility that often comes with it. It also reminded me that life can be at its most beautiful when you're traipsing through a dark forest, and you can't see beyond two feet in front of you, and the only thing that exists is the silence in the space between you and your friends. And looking over the city lights, we felt small, reminded of our insignificance, but also of our ironic simultaneous significance. And the beauty in it is not in the contentment of the realization of such a feeling, it's the urge to feel it over and over again. Which is why, I think, we were so eager to drive up Tantalus just a valley over from where we stood, immediately after.
It seems as if Tantalus is going to be a thing between Kendall and I now whenever he comes home--is it? Both Thanksgiving and Spring Breaks tooks us up there, and on both occassions, with our eyes glued to what lay ahead as the road twisted and turned--maybe because Kendall didn't want to take his eyes off the precarious road, maybe beacuse I always seem to be able to speak my greatest fears and doubts without eye contact--we haltingly spoke of things that we feared, things that were on our minds, and assured ourselves, really, more than each other, that everything is going to turn out all right in the end, that we are going to turn out all right in the end.
It was in this drive up that night, at past ten at night on a Friday of new freedom, when Kendall and I had been discussing something that led him to exclaim, "OH GOD JEN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? GET YOUR LIFE TOGETHER MAN." And at that time, all I could do was shake my head and say, "I know okay? I know. I'm trying."
And I think it's still part of what I can say at this point--but it's not the only thing I can say. I am slowly getting back to where I was.
See, in preparation for and during Relay, and with the added pressure of my course overload during the last semester--not to mention that I barely ever saw Rebecca or Anyssa or Daniel, and that Daisy was off-island for most of the time--I think I automatically went into Isolation Mode. I knew I had to focus on finishing the semester, and I could not wait for it to end. I had felt so spent and exhausted that all the energy I had left, I channeled into getting by and getting everything done and over with. Which is why I am so thankful for the handful of new fast best friends I made during the last three weeks of school. Because they've made it so much easier for me to be able to say "I am getting there" rather than just "I know, I'm trying"--and these people will be my topic next week!
'Night y'all!
Risks: 48
Books Read: 10
Thank You Notes Written: 15
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