Today, sitting in a metaphorically dark corner of Sinclair (Library), holding back tears and ready to give everything up in despair, I composed a novella through text messages. I started off just wanted to vent my feelings to an undeclared receiver. But as I kept typing, I realized the depth of the hole in which I found myself and the settling realization that I could not get myself out, at least not alone.
In my novella, I explained my most recent realization--the parallels between learning to ride a bike during my senior year of high school along with my inherent and unshakeable fear of falling face-first onto the harsh and unforgiving pavement and now struggling to master the LSATs along with my deadening anxiety of not getting a "good enough" score and ultimately failing in a path I have chosen for my future. It was long and repetitive at times. I was emphasizing the connections I have made between the two--how both fears are the same, and how both must be overcome, and how incredibly breathtaking and terrible they were. I will not go into the minute details of the text (maybe that will be for another post)--just know that it was sad at times, with angry and frustrated notes adorning every other syllable, and a heart-wrenching "I give up because I no longer see the point" feel to it.
I continued to type, and ultimately decided that I would send this lengthy missive to five people on whom I have leaned many times without fear and insecurity, and who have always held my chin up when I was too weak to do so myself--five best friends, quintessentially so in fact and ever so deserving of the adjective "best" in all aspects of friendship. I was hoping for some words of encouragement. But I got so much more than that.
This is a sincere thank you to all of them:
To Kerms, who knows my shameful weaknesses and incorrigible flaws but sees in me so much power, way more power than I even dare to accord myself, and who is not afraid to criticize me when I am weakest if that is what it takes for me to shift my focus onto what matters, who replied to my text with:
"...What I am going to say is how proud I am of you for recognizing your fear and relating it to how you've conquered it in the past. And the only difference between last time and this time is that we aren't physically there. None of us are actually there in the library with you to cheer you on and keep pushing you verbally, but we still are. You know...everyone else who has affected you is there to support you and keep you motivated. In the words of Mr. Y, "Love is not the most powerful emotion. Fear is." And now it is just a matter of taking that fear and the support of the people around and using that to go in to that exam and slay it like every other exam you ever have."To Aid, whose heart and mind and soul are all in sync with mine and lets me know that I am never alone with a warm smile and a mere tilt of her head, who texted me:
"Don't put too much pressure on yourself, I know you can pull this off if you keep trying. The same thing with riding a bike, once you get the hang of it and get past the initial fear of falling, it'll come naturally to you. I have faith in you! I hope you'll find the motivation and I know you'll give your best no matter what happnes. I'll always be here for you..."To The Boyfriend, who has taught me so much about love and life, whose work ethic and practicality I strive to emulate, whose contradictory nature of maturity and youthfulness show me what life is supposed to be like every single day, who was hard at work painting and sanding and ripping baseboards out and replacing locks and shelves all day today, but still made sure to send me a text and a "study kissy":
"You can do it baby. I know you can. Keep doing what you are doing..."To Panda, who knew that a pen on which "Keep Your Head Up" was engraved would be just the thing I needed, who understands what I am thinking without me having to vocalize a single word, who has learned when to shush me and when to let me ramble on, and who showed up suddenly earlier today by my side shortly after I sent my novella-text, sat down at the desk directly across from mine at Sinclair, and nonchalantly opened up his laptop to start working, after he texted me:
"Although things may look bad now, trust me, everything will get better. Just keep your chin up kiddo, the sun will come back soon."And to Bran Man, probably the most eloquent of them all, who sees in the world the same things I see, and who sees others in the same ways I do, and who radically changed the way I think about the words "How are you?" from the moment we became friends, who told me:
"...I do hope that you maintain yourself. And not yourself that all the pompous law schools will look at and say is good enough to change the world. Because you should know, better than anyone else, that you don't need that validation. The only person capable of defining your true capabilities is yourself, and don't ever forget that. So go, work hard, struggle, strive. But do not think that any test score will ever be enough to say that you're not capable of changing the world. Because you're better than that; we know that, and you know that. So go out there and change the world 'cause goddammit, that's what you're meant to do."Life gives you some hard days, but Life also gives you love to help you get through them. And for that I am thankful.
Risks Taken: 63
Kimchi Count: 11
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