OH BLOGGING HOW I'VE MISSED YOU. All y'all come on down and better give mama a kiss now!
Kidding. Don't. Please. (Stahhpp eaattt Jen y u so embarrassing?)
Okay, I don't even remember the crisis that ate up so much time from the last day of MOST SUCCESSFUL BEDA YEAR EVER (WOOOO! I'm still celebrating guys...like, it's a Touchdown Celebration Record, not even joking...) so I'm sorry that I cannot explain it.
I do, however, have some other explaining to do here just because I'm still trying to process it myself and I need some form of safe and un-obnoxious medium (example of an obnoxious medium: Facebook statuses) in which I can let everything out. All right, here we go:
I backed out of tryouts for the debate team. Yep.
Earlier this week, I was bugging myself (along with a couple of extremely patient others who were willing to deal with my uncertainty and whining), "SHOULD I DO IT?!?!" Then Toks emailed me on Wednesday saying that tryouts were tomorrow (as in this past Thursday) and Monday (tomorrow). I think it was the urgency of that email that kinda made me step on the gas a little earlier than I really intended. See, after reading the word "tomorrow," I got all revved up and I was like, "YEAH BAH, let's do this!" without really knowing into what I was getting. Anyway, I didn't get a reply immediately so since Thursday, I've been thinking about it and thinking about it and thinking about it. In addition, I was also budgeting my weekend between the Friday volleyball game, THREE PAPERS!, YOLO Saturday, and canvassing today. All day err day (ew, Jen, no), I was thinking about it and thinking about it and thinking about. So that's a lot in a teenage girl's mind.
Then I get three emails earlier all within twenty minutes of each other from the team captain, the director, and Toks. Yikes. Too much fore me. So I backed out of the tryouts, except not really, because I wasn't even scheduled tomorrow. Apparently, all the dealios were happening in the Society's Facebook group (which took me a while to find, to be quite honest). That's my first reason. Fear. There, I said it. Judge me all you want, guys, but at least I'm admitting that yes, I'm scared, and this is one hell of a risk for me that I don't think I was ready to take just yet. Maybe later, I'm just gonna hang out at the top for a while and breathe it out.
Then, reason number two: I'm still adjusting to this college thing. I still don't think of myself as a college student, mostly because I'm a freshman (again) and I have no idea what's really going on yet. I mean, I was cruising for the first three weeks because all the homework I had was just reading. Then BAM. All the teachers want essays after the third week. So I did them. They weren't hard to write (well, one of them was...), but it was just the act of having to sit down and crank them out that got me all "GAH 'IOLANI STRESS ALL OVER AGAIN." But now that they're all safely in the inboxes of my professors, I can relax. And also get to more reading for tomorrow's classes. So, whew.
And finally reason number three: I don't want this experience to be another Imua experience for me. I had always wanted to write, even wanted to be a journalist, pre-'Iolani. Then I joined Imua. And it was not what I expected. It was great and all but it just didn't feel like I fit. I loved working with so many great and smart people but I felt like neither I nor the newspaper was really benefitting from having me as a member of the staff, whether it be as a writer or an editor. (So why am I considering Ka Leo here at UH? A topic for another day!) I love speaking and thinking critically, that's why I love speech and debate (though this is strictly just debate...ugh). But what if taking the risk too soon ruins it for me? I don't want to lose something I care about so much, you know, especially if going too fast causes that?
And the last (but most "fixable"' reason): I don't know Parliamentary Debate. Must start learning it very soon.
Anyway, I am still planning on going to the tryouts tomorrow though for a little bit just to check things out and see what's up with the program. If I'm gonna dive in, I wanna get my feet wet first.
That felt good, talking about it. Whew.
Okay, thanks for listening in. I was actually planning on blogging about something totally different that happened today but I think I'll let you know about that after this week.
Tootles all the poodles guys.
Risks: 29! (Four in the past couple of weeks actually, I didn't realize three of them were risks so I didn't put them down...but they're here now!)
Hugs: 0
Current food obsessions/cravings: ALLTHESOUPS!
Playlists on Repeat: I HAVE ALEX DAY'S GHOST GIRL SONG STUCK IN MY HEAD AND IT'S SO GOOD...also I was singing in the shower earlier tonight. Why don't people do it more often here in the dorms? The acoustics are pretty good in there.....
Books Read Since Graduation: 6 (sad unchanging number)
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