Only Spotify Radio would put Nickelback songs on a "Thrift Shop"-based radio station. Or Kreayshawn's annoying song called "Gucci Gucci" on a station based on Michael Kiwanuka's "Home Again." And yes. It has happened. Both of them. REALLY SPOTIFY WHY. #fail
It has been a tiring past two weeks, and it isn't over yet. In fact, it probably won't be over for another two or three weeks. It's been a roller coaster, to use a clichéd phrase (but then again, clichés can sometimes be the truest things you hear), but not one that only goes up. It's been going up and down and even sideways.
In between the tons of stuff that are going on in class and for Relay (49 days!) and at work and at home, I guess I've just had a lot of things in my mind and in my heart, and my thoughts and my feelings have just been stumbling and tripping over each other. Most of the time, they conflict with each other and with what I have to focus on at the moment, so I have to shut them out and allow myself to indulge in them at a more convenient time.
And they're not even pressing stuff, really. It's just me being a teenage girl. Which is frustrating and refreshing at the same time (in a way that only a teenage girl can experience, of course). And I am glad that I go through these phases because sometimes I forget that I am a teenage girl, you know? That I'm only a teenage girl. And it's good to be reminded, albeit the method of doing so is a bit blargh-y, because that's what I am. Because most of the time, I am not just a teenage girl; I am, or at least try to be, a studious and serious pre-law college student. When the occasion calls for it, I have to be a thoughtful person and let friends get away with some things even if it sucks. The extracurricular activities and the work that have been permanent fixtures in my life for years now force me to put on different hats, none of which is that of a teenage girl.
It's become so natural for me to think about what I am constantly doing for the future and for others that it's also become unnatural for me to buy myself something nice, or just take the time to do something for myself. Like, I don't remember the last time I have been to Barnes and Noble or the library just so that I could spend an afternoon tangoing with bookshelves like I used to do. Last weekend, when I spent the weekend driving around, I wondered, "Have I really been that busy for the past two years that I haven't had the time to learn to do something, like driving, just for me?" I made a conscious effort to write--to actually write--this past week; mostly rambles, and bits and pieces of thoughts, and definitely more poetry than I have written since those Brit Lit days. I took a nap for the first time in a while this weekend, and spent yesterday alone, not speaking to anyone, really, unless absolutely necessary (which was easy to do because I was home alone for the most part). I didn't open my laptop and barely turned on my phone's Wi-Fi, feeling like if I felt disconnected for at least just one day, I wouldn't feel the need to work myself so hard for that one day; I would feel less stress and less pressure.
So yes, feelings and thoughts tripping over each other, though a majority of them aren't really extremely important. I guess, like Kendall, I have also been sad and happy at the same time and am still wondering how that could be (yep, I caught that Chbosky reference!)--though I am sure for different reasons. Because, unlike Kendall who is a genuinely happy person so he doesn't go through these kinds of bouts, I am a genuinely sad person who can't get away from these bouts fast enough.
But I went to Eat the Street on Friday night, which is probably one of the most fun things that I've allowed myself to enjoy in a long while. And I think that was good. It felt good to get lost in the crowd in the pouring rain and just focus on food and friends and the night in general.
All day on Friday, leading up to the food fest, I felt like how you would feel all day before going out on a date that night, minus all the nervous butterflies-in-your-stomach paranoia/nervousness. Like you are about to go on a date with someone awesome in a few hours but you're not nervous at all, just genuinely happy and excited for it because you know it's gonna be a good time. It was the first time I had a good song stuck in my head all day, a good song that kept my heels bouncing as I walked from class to class with my hands in your pockets and my head turned up to the clouds and that kept me humming and smiling as I went through a mountain of mail in the office for, like, three straight hours.
And I thought, "This, right here. This is how every day should feel."
Risks: 39 (One this week!)
Books Read: 8 (FINALLY FINISHED IT YESSS)
Thank You Notes Written: 9 (And one more for this week too!)
P.S. Heyyyy, wow, it's been a good week for these weekly tallies. :)
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