Only Spotify Radio would put Nickelback songs on a "Thrift Shop"-based radio station. Or Kreayshawn's annoying song called "Gucci Gucci" on a station based on Michael Kiwanuka's "Home Again." And yes. It has happened. Both of them. REALLY SPOTIFY WHY. #fail
It has been a tiring past two weeks, and it isn't over yet. In fact, it probably won't be over for another two or three weeks. It's been a roller coaster, to use a clichéd phrase (but then again, clichés can sometimes be the truest things you hear), but not one that only goes up. It's been going up and down and even sideways.
In between the tons of stuff that are going on in class and for Relay (49 days!) and at work and at home, I guess I've just had a lot of things in my mind and in my heart, and my thoughts and my feelings have just been stumbling and tripping over each other. Most of the time, they conflict with each other and with what I have to focus on at the moment, so I have to shut them out and allow myself to indulge in them at a more convenient time.
And they're not even pressing stuff, really. It's just me being a teenage girl. Which is frustrating and refreshing at the same time (in a way that only a teenage girl can experience, of course). And I am glad that I go through these phases because sometimes I forget that I am a teenage girl, you know? That I'm only a teenage girl. And it's good to be reminded, albeit the method of doing so is a bit blargh-y, because that's what I am. Because most of the time, I am not just a teenage girl; I am, or at least try to be, a studious and serious pre-law college student. When the occasion calls for it, I have to be a thoughtful person and let friends get away with some things even if it sucks. The extracurricular activities and the work that have been permanent fixtures in my life for years now force me to put on different hats, none of which is that of a teenage girl.
It's become so natural for me to think about what I am constantly doing for the future and for others that it's also become unnatural for me to buy myself something nice, or just take the time to do something for myself. Like, I don't remember the last time I have been to Barnes and Noble or the library just so that I could spend an afternoon tangoing with bookshelves like I used to do. Last weekend, when I spent the weekend driving around, I wondered, "Have I really been that busy for the past two years that I haven't had the time to learn to do something, like driving, just for me?" I made a conscious effort to write--to actually write--this past week; mostly rambles, and bits and pieces of thoughts, and definitely more poetry than I have written since those Brit Lit days. I took a nap for the first time in a while this weekend, and spent yesterday alone, not speaking to anyone, really, unless absolutely necessary (which was easy to do because I was home alone for the most part). I didn't open my laptop and barely turned on my phone's Wi-Fi, feeling like if I felt disconnected for at least just one day, I wouldn't feel the need to work myself so hard for that one day; I would feel less stress and less pressure.
So yes, feelings and thoughts tripping over each other, though a majority of them aren't really extremely important. I guess, like Kendall, I have also been sad and happy at the same time and am still wondering how that could be (yep, I caught that Chbosky reference!)--though I am sure for different reasons. Because, unlike Kendall who is a genuinely happy person so he doesn't go through these kinds of bouts, I am a genuinely sad person who can't get away from these bouts fast enough.
But I went to Eat the Street on Friday night, which is probably one of the most fun things that I've allowed myself to enjoy in a long while. And I think that was good. It felt good to get lost in the crowd in the pouring rain and just focus on food and friends and the night in general.
All day on Friday, leading up to the food fest, I felt like how you would feel all day before going out on a date that night, minus all the nervous butterflies-in-your-stomach paranoia/nervousness. Like you are about to go on a date with someone awesome in a few hours but you're not nervous at all, just genuinely happy and excited for it because you know it's gonna be a good time. It was the first time I had a good song stuck in my head all day, a good song that kept my heels bouncing as I walked from class to class with my hands in your pockets and my head turned up to the clouds and that kept me humming and smiling as I went through a mountain of mail in the office for, like, three straight hours.
And I thought, "This, right here. This is how every day should feel."
Risks: 39 (One this week!)
Books Read: 8 (FINALLY FINISHED IT YESSS)
Thank You Notes Written: 9 (And one more for this week too!)
P.S. Heyyyy, wow, it's been a good week for these weekly tallies. :)
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Lines Between Past, Present, Sadness, and Joy
Hey guys!
So, umm, ya know, things 'n stuff.... Oh god, who do I think I am, Rick? Ahh, things are gettin da cray, amiright?
Ha ha well, umm yeah, I have two midterms this week. And then I also register tomorrow morning at 6 in da morning, so that will be a fun time, right? Anyway, this week, I was getting over da sickness, which was a bit of a struggle, but eh. The worst part was when I slept in on Wednesday morning and missed work because of it. I felt super bad, but too late now I guess.
Also, Gavin's sister flew in this week to come and visit Gavin I guess, so she borrowed her friends car and we visited the Boeing factory where they actually make the planes and stuff. We got to see them making them and it was super cool and interesting and cray. The building that they make the planes is actually the biggest building according to Guinness. Gavin made the joke "This is the biggest building I've ever been in"... He he he....
It was really interesting though because it was SUPER easy to sneak away from the tour. I was SO tempted to, but eh.
I guess that this week was just a good rest week. I have 3 more weeks left of the quarter, and then Spring Break! It's kind of interesting, we (or at least my school) are now half way done with the year. It just feels kind of weird, you know? I don't know. I'm excited for life and not at the same time. I just want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.
(EH, EH!!!! Did anyone catch that? No one? Kay bai....)
Okay, but really, this has been real. We should do it again sometime....... BAI!
Books Read: 1
Why This Week Was Awesome: Boeing
Song Stuck in My Head: "Twinkle Lightly (Reprise)" by Talain Rayne
So, umm, ya know, things 'n stuff.... Oh god, who do I think I am, Rick? Ahh, things are gettin da cray, amiright?
Ha ha well, umm yeah, I have two midterms this week. And then I also register tomorrow morning at 6 in da morning, so that will be a fun time, right? Anyway, this week, I was getting over da sickness, which was a bit of a struggle, but eh. The worst part was when I slept in on Wednesday morning and missed work because of it. I felt super bad, but too late now I guess.
Also, Gavin's sister flew in this week to come and visit Gavin I guess, so she borrowed her friends car and we visited the Boeing factory where they actually make the planes and stuff. We got to see them making them and it was super cool and interesting and cray. The building that they make the planes is actually the biggest building according to Guinness. Gavin made the joke "This is the biggest building I've ever been in"... He he he....
It was really interesting though because it was SUPER easy to sneak away from the tour. I was SO tempted to, but eh.
I guess that this week was just a good rest week. I have 3 more weeks left of the quarter, and then Spring Break! It's kind of interesting, we (or at least my school) are now half way done with the year. It just feels kind of weird, you know? I don't know. I'm excited for life and not at the same time. I just want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.
(EH, EH!!!! Did anyone catch that? No one? Kay bai....)
Okay, but really, this has been real. We should do it again sometime....... BAI!
Books Read: 1
Why This Week Was Awesome: Boeing
Song Stuck in My Head: "Twinkle Lightly (Reprise)" by Talain Rayne
Sunday, February 17, 2013
If Only I Were Better
This post will suck at formatting just as much as I am right now at living, so to spare you all and myself the extra misery and disappointment, this will be it for this week's post. I might try to add more after the weekend, depends on what happens.
(And yes this is super deps right now, but hey, what is one lame post compared to a life of poverty? Not a big deal, everyone.)
Laters guys.
(And yes this is super deps right now, but hey, what is one lame post compared to a life of poverty? Not a big deal, everyone.)
Laters guys.
I Got The Magic
Hey guys!
So, um, I'm sitting here with Jaime and Gavin asleep on my bed. We have a few minutes before we are going to go to dinner so I'm gonna bang this thing out. This week was eh. There was some Mau playing. Some nom eating. You know, the usual.
Then, yesterday, after a long chain of silly events, I basically went down to Jaime's school and then on Saturday morning, we went snow tubing. So there was a big snowy mountain. And we slide down them with inner tubes. It was super cool. Literally. Like, it was cold. And wet. But worth it.
It was my first time being in snow since I got here, so that was a good time and such. Then later that day, we booked it back up to Seattle. Since then, today, we went to da zoo. That was a fun time. Lion cubs and terrifying spiders and other such animals that are forced into the cold for the public's pleasure....
Okay, it's time for noms. We are going to this hawaiian place, so that will be a good time, right? Right. BAI!
Books Read: 1
Why This Week Was Awesome: SNOW!
Song Stuck in My Head:
So, um, I'm sitting here with Jaime and Gavin asleep on my bed. We have a few minutes before we are going to go to dinner so I'm gonna bang this thing out. This week was eh. There was some Mau playing. Some nom eating. You know, the usual.
Then, yesterday, after a long chain of silly events, I basically went down to Jaime's school and then on Saturday morning, we went snow tubing. So there was a big snowy mountain. And we slide down them with inner tubes. It was super cool. Literally. Like, it was cold. And wet. But worth it.
It was my first time being in snow since I got here, so that was a good time and such. Then later that day, we booked it back up to Seattle. Since then, today, we went to da zoo. That was a fun time. Lion cubs and terrifying spiders and other such animals that are forced into the cold for the public's pleasure....
Okay, it's time for noms. We are going to this hawaiian place, so that will be a good time, right? Right. BAI!
Books Read: 1
Why This Week Was Awesome: SNOW!
Song Stuck in My Head:
Monday, February 11, 2013
If There's Any Kind of Magic in This World
Yes, yes, yes, I know, I know. How dare I forget to post right? I wrote it down on my To-Do List last night, too. But then there was Sherlock and Rebecca's door and SLEEP. I apologize.
Anyway, I remembered out of the purple earlier today. It hit me like, to borrow a phrase from Kendall, "like a metaphorical football" in the middle of my communicology lecture, and I was just, "GAH WHAT WHY FKASUFIASKAJSF." Inside my head, of course.
Last week was also a busy and "cray" week for me, though not for the same reasons as Kendall. I am very sorry to hear about your aunt, Kerms, and I hope that your mom and her family are okay. These are dark times, there is no denying. And I mean that not in the same way that Scrimgeour did but with the same message: sticking together is important.
Anyway, yes, my week was cray because there were lots of things due. Just a result of college professors getting together at secret cult meetings, chuckling their evil laughs and being all, "Hmm, so when are you having your first paper due eh? I shall make my class turn in their problem sets the same day! MUAHAHAHAHAHAH!" Except that's not really what happens. It's life, instead, that happens. So, yes, lots of stuff due which meant lots of late almost-sleepless nights up on the study lounge on the roof and late dinners and snacks and lots of (fail) tea and, um, music that I don't usually listen to just so that we could stay awake.
So this weekend was very much lounge-oriented for the most part. At least, I tried to just sit on the couch and watch mindless TV and play Words With Friends for as much as I could. And I slept in both days until, like, 9:30 in the morning, which is usually criminal for me. But I really needed to make up for the stressful week.
I also did my taxes for the first time! It was easy and painless but that's because I had to pay a little over $40 for it to be easy and painless. But whatever.
I also ran into a couple of friends on Sunday when my sister and I were waiting for our ride at a McDonald's. Just super random but it was good. Not awkward and good. It's always good to see your past in the faces of others. It reassures us that we have lived before, yes, and yet here we are, doing the same thing, but hopefully with newfound wisdom and maturity, and that we should be very thankful for that. Also, people bring feels with them wherever you go. I'm sure I bring feels around with me too, and that's good because, again, we are reminded of what we used to feel and what we used to think and how we used to live. And remembering is good. Anyway, yeah, it brought me back to lots of things and I got to thinking (and you know how scattered I get when I start, um, thinking...). I am glad, bottom line.
Okay, that's enough for now. I hope I've made up for my irresponsibility.
Risks: 38
Books Read: 7 (GAH ALMOST 8 I CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT)Thank You Notes Written: 8
Anyway, I remembered out of the purple earlier today. It hit me like, to borrow a phrase from Kendall, "like a metaphorical football" in the middle of my communicology lecture, and I was just, "GAH WHAT WHY FKASUFIASKAJSF." Inside my head, of course.
Last week was also a busy and "cray" week for me, though not for the same reasons as Kendall. I am very sorry to hear about your aunt, Kerms, and I hope that your mom and her family are okay. These are dark times, there is no denying. And I mean that not in the same way that Scrimgeour did but with the same message: sticking together is important.
Anyway, yes, my week was cray because there were lots of things due. Just a result of college professors getting together at secret cult meetings, chuckling their evil laughs and being all, "Hmm, so when are you having your first paper due eh? I shall make my class turn in their problem sets the same day! MUAHAHAHAHAHAH!" Except that's not really what happens. It's life, instead, that happens. So, yes, lots of stuff due which meant lots of late almost-sleepless nights up on the study lounge on the roof and late dinners and snacks and lots of (fail) tea and, um, music that I don't usually listen to just so that we could stay awake.
So this weekend was very much lounge-oriented for the most part. At least, I tried to just sit on the couch and watch mindless TV and play Words With Friends for as much as I could. And I slept in both days until, like, 9:30 in the morning, which is usually criminal for me. But I really needed to make up for the stressful week.
I also did my taxes for the first time! It was easy and painless but that's because I had to pay a little over $40 for it to be easy and painless. But whatever.
I also ran into a couple of friends on Sunday when my sister and I were waiting for our ride at a McDonald's. Just super random but it was good. Not awkward and good. It's always good to see your past in the faces of others. It reassures us that we have lived before, yes, and yet here we are, doing the same thing, but hopefully with newfound wisdom and maturity, and that we should be very thankful for that. Also, people bring feels with them wherever you go. I'm sure I bring feels around with me too, and that's good because, again, we are reminded of what we used to feel and what we used to think and how we used to live. And remembering is good. Anyway, yeah, it brought me back to lots of things and I got to thinking (and you know how scattered I get when I start, um, thinking...). I am glad, bottom line.
Okay, that's enough for now. I hope I've made up for my irresponsibility.
Risks: 38
Books Read: 7 (GAH ALMOST 8 I CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT)Thank You Notes Written: 8
Sunday, February 10, 2013
Hope Is Just a Ray of What Everyone Should See
Hey guys!
So, umm, I guess I'll tell you a little about why I was so lame last week. My aunt who has been sick for a while was in the hospital and then passed away this week. My mom flew in on Sunday and there was just a whole bunch of stuff. Then I was really busy with school and work and just a humlbe jumble of things.
It was kind of a cray week, but I guess the good part of it all was being able to spend time with family. I was able to hang out with my mom. My cousin also flew in from california and I got to hang out with her (and she may or may not be reading this right now....). Also, I kind of interacted/met(ish) just a plethora of people in my family who I haven't really seen or interacted with or anything since moving to Hawaii. I don't know. It was weird and kind of cool and just overall cray. But yeah, that was my week.
In other news, I'm working on "A Clash of Kings" right now (the second Game of Thrones book). Walking Dead is on tonight which is really exciting. I did my taxes for the first time, what what? And I didn't do as terribly on my midterms as I thought that I would have (except for maybe my econ one....)
Okay, so this one wasn't as lame, but still a little bit. Next weekend Rebecca is coming over again, which will be a good fun time. Till then doe.
Books Read: 1
Why This Week Was Awesome: Family
Song Stuck in My Head: "Tell Me a Story" by Phillip Phillips
So, umm, I guess I'll tell you a little about why I was so lame last week. My aunt who has been sick for a while was in the hospital and then passed away this week. My mom flew in on Sunday and there was just a whole bunch of stuff. Then I was really busy with school and work and just a humlbe jumble of things.
It was kind of a cray week, but I guess the good part of it all was being able to spend time with family. I was able to hang out with my mom. My cousin also flew in from california and I got to hang out with her (and she may or may not be reading this right now....). Also, I kind of interacted/met(ish) just a plethora of people in my family who I haven't really seen or interacted with or anything since moving to Hawaii. I don't know. It was weird and kind of cool and just overall cray. But yeah, that was my week.
In other news, I'm working on "A Clash of Kings" right now (the second Game of Thrones book). Walking Dead is on tonight which is really exciting. I did my taxes for the first time, what what? And I didn't do as terribly on my midterms as I thought that I would have (except for maybe my econ one....)
Okay, so this one wasn't as lame, but still a little bit. Next weekend Rebecca is coming over again, which will be a good fun time. Till then doe.
Books Read: 1
Why This Week Was Awesome: Family
Song Stuck in My Head: "Tell Me a Story" by Phillip Phillips
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Kendall Is The King Of Lame
Hey guys.
You know that I don't do this often, but this is going to be a short one. Lots of stuff happening. Maybe I'll talk about it next week. Hopefully this won't happen again...
Books Read: 1 (WHAT WHAT!!!)
Why This Week Was Awesome: Laser Tag was pretty bomb.com
Song Stuck in My Head:
You know that I don't do this often, but this is going to be a short one. Lots of stuff happening. Maybe I'll talk about it next week. Hopefully this won't happen again...
Books Read: 1 (WHAT WHAT!!!)
Why This Week Was Awesome: Laser Tag was pretty bomb.com
Song Stuck in My Head:
Saturday, February 2, 2013
Tell Me Your Secrets and I Will Carry Them For You
There are so many things that go through my head in a day alone, so picking a topic for a weekly blogpost can be quite challenging sometimes.
Sometimes, I don't even understand how my mind works and/or goes from one topic to another. I can be like, "Wow, is it warm in this room or what that's a good-looking pen over there I wonder what the lunch will be today I hope it's good last time it tasted all sparkly ugh shiny stuff sucks like what even is foil being all shiny and crap whoa that's sticks and cakes oh dude not just cakes but like sandwich cakes is it a sandwich or is it a cake like I don't even know what was that sound ouch something poked my ear or was that me did I just poke my ear with my pen oh God I hope no one noticed if they did they are probably judging me right now who has a judgy face is it you or you maybe it's you or it could be you here it's totally you..."
To add to that, my mind has been constantly running for the past seven days non-stop. I have dreamed about logic symbols (Tildes, triple bars and horseshoes anyone?), Socrates (definitely not that kind of dream), and (the freakin') "Niceness Surveys" all in one week. It is not fun. One night (or 'early morning,' actually), I remember going to bed and my last thought was "I have to email the agenda topics in the morning and I have to..." and when I jolted awake to the obnoxious beeping of my alarm/cellphone, I continued, "...include the monthly report and updates so that I know what to share at the meeting." It's like I didn't sleep guys. IT IS LIKE I DID NOT EVEN SLEEP.
So yes, lots of topics. Today alone, I thought about how interesting it was that someone's lonely end can end someone's loneliness. I thought about possibly needing a venti cup of non-fat cafe moccha with caramel syrup and a shot of espresso in the morning just to get through what I knew would be a long day (and it was). I thought about deep fried green tomatoes and really fresh coconut water (which you know for sure is fresh because they dehusk and clean that giant thing in front of you before you pay for it). I thought about how you could possibly let a wonderful friendship simply wither away because of something silly like pride. I thought about how I could possibly ever understand anything about personal relationships. I thought about recommendation letters that have literally turned days around in the past and reminded me that I am strong and valuable and extraordinary when I had forgotten all of these things. I thought about how when you sing your heart out until you sound like a hoarse horse, you do not only feel the reverberations of your voice, but also the ripples of your soul in the song. I thought about telling secrets in the car and how that act can bring about such harsh (but not malicious) judgment. But more importantly, it can bring release and comfort in that your friends may judge you but not in a way that will make them think less of you. In fact, the sharing of secrets, I think, makes you more more than it makes you less. I thought about age gaps and arguments, of friendships solid as rock, and those that aren't, of something that could possibly be called love but I wouldn't really know, of challenges (and challengers) and sass, of faces that are here and faces that never left.
But mostly, today, I thought about how, even while looking at it from a different perspective, competing at a speech tournament is just so incredibly taxing and nerve-wracking. This was the first qualifying tournament I judged and I realized that my rankings actually make a difference now. Giving someone a 6 isn't going to be easy anymore because I would evaluate a student's performance and realize that my giving them the 6th place will drive them to the bottom half of the competition, and possibly take away any chance of breaking to the final rounds. I now know how hard it is to label kids with numbers in comparison to one another, knowing that there will be a student who will get the 1 or the 2 and, as a result, will most likely advance to the final rounds and earn a spot at the state competition; and that the student to whom I give the deadly 5 and 6 probably won't even see the light of a state qualification, at least for this one tournament.
And that's when I imagine the "crestfallenness" that I had seen many times before on many a student's face--on my teammates', on other competitor's faces, and on my own. How defeated and useless I had felt before not seeing my number on that pathetic little piece of paper that was worth so much more than it seemed, and as I watched from the sidelines for the first time, I saw that their faces mirrored my own from only at least a year ago during times of loss. And how incredibly beaten I felt today knowing that I had a part in that crime.
So yes, lots of thoughts. Time does that to us--it gives our memories company, these questions of heft. So yeah. Okay, I should leave before things get awkward. (Or, actually, more awkward.)
Risks: 38
Books Read: 7
Thank You Notes Written: 8 (none this week , sorry)
Sometimes, I don't even understand how my mind works and/or goes from one topic to another. I can be like, "Wow, is it warm in this room or what that's a good-looking pen over there I wonder what the lunch will be today I hope it's good last time it tasted all sparkly ugh shiny stuff sucks like what even is foil being all shiny and crap whoa that's sticks and cakes oh dude not just cakes but like sandwich cakes is it a sandwich or is it a cake like I don't even know what was that sound ouch something poked my ear or was that me did I just poke my ear with my pen oh God I hope no one noticed if they did they are probably judging me right now who has a judgy face is it you or you maybe it's you or it could be you here it's totally you..."
To add to that, my mind has been constantly running for the past seven days non-stop. I have dreamed about logic symbols (Tildes, triple bars and horseshoes anyone?), Socrates (definitely not that kind of dream), and (the freakin') "Niceness Surveys" all in one week. It is not fun. One night (or 'early morning,' actually), I remember going to bed and my last thought was "I have to email the agenda topics in the morning and I have to..." and when I jolted awake to the obnoxious beeping of my alarm/cellphone, I continued, "...include the monthly report and updates so that I know what to share at the meeting." It's like I didn't sleep guys. IT IS LIKE I DID NOT EVEN SLEEP.
So yes, lots of topics. Today alone, I thought about how interesting it was that someone's lonely end can end someone's loneliness. I thought about possibly needing a venti cup of non-fat cafe moccha with caramel syrup and a shot of espresso in the morning just to get through what I knew would be a long day (and it was). I thought about deep fried green tomatoes and really fresh coconut water (which you know for sure is fresh because they dehusk and clean that giant thing in front of you before you pay for it). I thought about how you could possibly let a wonderful friendship simply wither away because of something silly like pride. I thought about how I could possibly ever understand anything about personal relationships. I thought about recommendation letters that have literally turned days around in the past and reminded me that I am strong and valuable and extraordinary when I had forgotten all of these things. I thought about how when you sing your heart out until you sound like a hoarse horse, you do not only feel the reverberations of your voice, but also the ripples of your soul in the song. I thought about telling secrets in the car and how that act can bring about such harsh (but not malicious) judgment. But more importantly, it can bring release and comfort in that your friends may judge you but not in a way that will make them think less of you. In fact, the sharing of secrets, I think, makes you more more than it makes you less. I thought about age gaps and arguments, of friendships solid as rock, and those that aren't, of something that could possibly be called love but I wouldn't really know, of challenges (and challengers) and sass, of faces that are here and faces that never left.
But mostly, today, I thought about how, even while looking at it from a different perspective, competing at a speech tournament is just so incredibly taxing and nerve-wracking. This was the first qualifying tournament I judged and I realized that my rankings actually make a difference now. Giving someone a 6 isn't going to be easy anymore because I would evaluate a student's performance and realize that my giving them the 6th place will drive them to the bottom half of the competition, and possibly take away any chance of breaking to the final rounds. I now know how hard it is to label kids with numbers in comparison to one another, knowing that there will be a student who will get the 1 or the 2 and, as a result, will most likely advance to the final rounds and earn a spot at the state competition; and that the student to whom I give the deadly 5 and 6 probably won't even see the light of a state qualification, at least for this one tournament.
And that's when I imagine the "crestfallenness" that I had seen many times before on many a student's face--on my teammates', on other competitor's faces, and on my own. How defeated and useless I had felt before not seeing my number on that pathetic little piece of paper that was worth so much more than it seemed, and as I watched from the sidelines for the first time, I saw that their faces mirrored my own from only at least a year ago during times of loss. And how incredibly beaten I felt today knowing that I had a part in that crime.
So yes, lots of thoughts. Time does that to us--it gives our memories company, these questions of heft. So yeah. Okay, I should leave before things get awkward. (Or, actually, more awkward.)
Risks: 38
Books Read: 7
Thank You Notes Written: 8 (none this week , sorry)
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