I find myself thinking a lot about life lately (lately? Honestly, half my time is spent thinking and reflecting for no reason). I think and think about what life was and what it is now. So much is different yet so much is not. I think what's really wild and what makes me sad, nostalgic, and ultimately happy is the fact that this blog exists. If there is ever a point in time over the past 7 years that I want to think back on and see what I was doing, thinking, and feeling, I can. Yes, things have become a little more scarce on here over the past year, but it's still there. I guess that's the point of writing a journal or a diary. That's what this is, except it's public for the world to see, because that's not weird or narcissistic at all. But the morality of this is aside from the point. I'm here because I was looking back, particularly to the past few posts and seeing how different things have become. Since I last really was here, I did so much. I was working two crazy jobs, one for the Disney store and the other for a radio station that I loved. I was spending the final days with my friends and family in Washington. I went to Orlando and Miami and had so many fun and problematic adventures. I went to Canada and saw twenty one pilots again on my birthday because why not. I graduated college. I came home and taught 3 classes. One was terrible. Two were amazing. I saw my children again and saw them grow and become even more amazing. I was terribly sick and couldn't figure out why for two months. I grew into my skin as an adult and teacher. I said no to a new job. But then I was tricked into saying yes. And now, here I am, a full fledged teacher, teaching a subject I know nothing about yet trying my best everyday.
In one of my last posts, I talked about how every time I go into something new, I get THAT feeling. That feeling where I just want to run away and never look back. That feeling where I think that it's just easy and better if I just give up. Going into this job, a real adult job, I didn't get that feeling. Maybe it was because I had experience teaching. Maybe it was because my best friend was working there too. Maybe it was because I didn't apply for it but I was presented it. Maybe it was because it was so close to home. Or maybe it was because I'm growing up. I've felt and seen myself grow and mature so much in the past few months, I don't understand it sometimes. I'm planning lessons, learning how to read kids moods and emotions, using technology that I don't know how to use, creating activities, being an adult and role model. These are things I never thought I would be able to do, at least not without the proper training. It's so weird and so foreign yet so comfortable, that it just feels so wrong. A thought I always have is, what would a year ago me think? A year ago, I was just getting into working at Disneyland. I was with Ryan. I was meeting new people and making new friends. That was so new and foreign, but I also loved every second of it. Or at least I think that now looking back, but did I think that then? Probably not. Regardless, I wouldn't have imagined me getting to this point so quickly. A year ago me wouldn't be able to do what I'm doing today. That's wild to me.
I think the biggest thing that I think about it the fact that I'm here, almost that I'm stuck. I've made a commitment. I know exactly where I'll be and what I'm doing until next July. Whereas a few months ago, I didn't even know what I'd be doing the next day. I loved that spontaneity. I lived for the unknown. I truly do enjoy what I'm doing. But the thought of me having this routine for years and years just scares me. There are days I want to go. I want to fly to Europe. I want to go to Tokyo Disney. I want to go eat at Chipotle. I want to watch a play. I want to take a nap. I want the spontaneity. But I don't have that right now. And that's not bad. Yes, there is the possibility that I could be back to the unknown messiness that I have been used to in July. But I've also transitioned into becoming an adult and I have be to responsible. I'm not upset about where I am now, I guess I just miss the places and the things that I've done. This goes back to what I said in one of my last posts. I need to enjoy and remember and live in the moment. Because there will come a time I will miss it. I will miss my life as it is right now someday. So I need to live in it now, because it is amazing and I have to appreciate that and love that.
Honestly though, there's one thing that blows my mind about all this. Even through all the change. All the new faces and new places. All the ups and downs and craziness of life. There are still those things that make you feel safe and familiar and happy. And Jen will always be one of those. I was just looking through our "Things we need to do" page and I can't help but smile at all the things that we actually have done now.
Pretend like you're Rachel Cohn and David Levithan for a duo project
We completely did this one in New York. Our Dash and Lily adventure was probably one of the most incredible travel activities I've ever experienced.
DATE WEEKEND (*all activities are marked with an asterisk)
We totally did this in New York.
Go to The Wizarding World of Harry Potter in Orlando
Granted not together, but still done.
Finish supposed NaNoWriMo 2010 novels
Okay only I did this, but Jen totally helped me.
Drink Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill wine (when we are of age, of course)
I've done this one. But also, Jen is here for wine so I feel like she might have too?
Stalk someone well, but not so creepily (none of this failure business)
There's no way we haven't done this.
Go up to the 30th floor of the First Hawaiian Center (Hawaii's tallest building), then go back down to the first floor without getting off on any of the floors (jump multiple times inside as a bonus)
We definitely tried this and failed, BUT WE TRIED OKAY.
See a Broadway musical production in Broadway
I still don't believe that this actually did happen, but it did.
Honestly, getting to spend a few days in New York city with Jen was unreal. It was such a culmination of our entire friendship. It was the first time we were together in a foreign and new place. We got to spend full days together and plan adventures and eat meals and just spend time together. It was so amazing because even though it was in a new environment and we hadn't seen each other in a year, it was such a testament to our friendship because it was perfect. Yes New York was amazing and incredible and I loved it, but what really made it truly amazing was being with Jen because that's what made me feel at home.
In life there will be things that happen and change and turn life upside down. And those are good things. Those are things to embrace and enjoy and live in. But when those things get hard. Or even when you just need a break, there are those constants. Those things that no matter what happens, no matter how much times passes, they will always be there. There are things that will never change and will always be there for you. Don't forget about those things. They are what get you through.
Wednesday, September 21, 2016
Wednesday, April 27, 2016
Letter to Myself 2016
Well, it's that time of year again, time for the 5th annual letter to myself...
Dear Kendall (April 27, 2017),
This is the 5th time I'm writing a letter to myself, that's crazy to me. Every year I go back and read over the previous letters and it's so funny to see the progress. But also, It's a good reminder of everything that happened that year. A common theme I talk about is change. I think that's something I'm weary of, I don't know, I'm scared of it, but also excited by it, but not excited enough to embrace it sometimes, you know? That's something that's changed this past year.
I can't help but find it hilarious that last's years letter was written on the day it was, it was the day a big part of my life changed, I realized that I still had to write the letter late that night and just laughed because I knew I wasn't in the right mindspace to write a letter, but I did it. But here I am, a year later and so much has changed and happened, that day seems like a different lifetime. This past year was easily the most insane, new, crazy, scary year of my life. I did so many new and exciting things. I taught, I went on a trip through Asia, I did the college program, I moved on my own, I got two new jobs, and so many things in between. And while I'm still not 100% sure where I'm going and that is something that scares me a lot, I think that it will be alright.
Here I sit as a college senior and you are going to read this letter in a year, a year into this whole thing called adulthood. I don't know where you'll be. I don't know what you'll be doing. I don't know anything about 2017 Kendall and honestly, that's kind of exciting. There are so many possibilities for the future. You've spent the past 4 years perfecting who you are, it's time for you to go out into the world and be. Be the Kendall who've I've wanted to see spread his greatness throughout the world. Be the Kendall who will change lives and make magic and do good for those around you and those not. There's so many possibilities and opportunities, there's no way you can choose wrong.
So as a Kendall who is a year younger, all I can ask of you is to do what's right and to have fun while doing it. As long as you keep that in mind this year, there's no way things can go wrong. Until next year.
Three Peace and Love,
Kendall (April 27, 2016)
Dear Kendall (April 27, 2017),
This is the 5th time I'm writing a letter to myself, that's crazy to me. Every year I go back and read over the previous letters and it's so funny to see the progress. But also, It's a good reminder of everything that happened that year. A common theme I talk about is change. I think that's something I'm weary of, I don't know, I'm scared of it, but also excited by it, but not excited enough to embrace it sometimes, you know? That's something that's changed this past year.
I can't help but find it hilarious that last's years letter was written on the day it was, it was the day a big part of my life changed, I realized that I still had to write the letter late that night and just laughed because I knew I wasn't in the right mindspace to write a letter, but I did it. But here I am, a year later and so much has changed and happened, that day seems like a different lifetime. This past year was easily the most insane, new, crazy, scary year of my life. I did so many new and exciting things. I taught, I went on a trip through Asia, I did the college program, I moved on my own, I got two new jobs, and so many things in between. And while I'm still not 100% sure where I'm going and that is something that scares me a lot, I think that it will be alright.
Here I sit as a college senior and you are going to read this letter in a year, a year into this whole thing called adulthood. I don't know where you'll be. I don't know what you'll be doing. I don't know anything about 2017 Kendall and honestly, that's kind of exciting. There are so many possibilities for the future. You've spent the past 4 years perfecting who you are, it's time for you to go out into the world and be. Be the Kendall who've I've wanted to see spread his greatness throughout the world. Be the Kendall who will change lives and make magic and do good for those around you and those not. There's so many possibilities and opportunities, there's no way you can choose wrong.
So as a Kendall who is a year younger, all I can ask of you is to do what's right and to have fun while doing it. As long as you keep that in mind this year, there's no way things can go wrong. Until next year.
Three Peace and Love,
Kendall (April 27, 2016)
Monday, April 11, 2016
The 11th of April
A small yellow and orange blown glass figurine of a lovebird--one of a pair--sits next to my Sharpies jar. A white book entitled "I THINK AM IN FRIEND-LOVE WITH YOU" leans against my alarm clock. A folded piece of blue construction paper showing "JEN" in bold letters, with a handwritten letter inside, is taped to the white wall, right underneath the light switch near my bedroom door. A small brown leather-bound notepad embossed with butterflies sit atop my copy of The Time Traveler's Wife, which holds between its pages a metal bookmark with intricate cutouts and a purple knot. And on the lower left corner of my desk, near where my left arm rests as I type on my laptop is a small picture--worn and old, it shows Norman Rockwell's painting, "High Dive," with the words "GOOD LUCK JEN! And don't foget (as if you could)...Just Jump!"
Hello old friends.
My name is Jen, and Kendall is one of my best friends. For the past seven years, he has played a major part of my life. In high school, we served others and created moments and learned from each other. In college, we spent much of it apart as he went off to Seattle and I stayed home. We made mistakes and tried new adventures and forged new paths, separately but always side by side. Now, I am in Boston, finishing my first year of law school, and Kendall is on the other side of the continent, in Seattle, finishing his last year of college. Several months since we saw each other last, still, little mementos of his love litter my desk where I spend most of my time in my room. And no matter where life takes me next, I know I will have the same mementos follow me, guide me, watch over me--just as Kendall has and continues to do in a way only Kendall can, even from afar.
Several days ago, after an especially grueling two weeks of memos due, final presentations, and oral arguments, I felt ready to quit it all. And in true Kendall fashion, with no questions asked and no details needed, I received a lengthy pep talk via text that made me smile inside and out. Words cannot describe how thankful I am to have this man in my life--Kendall, I have said this many a time, and I will continue to say it so long as it is true: you truly are all sorts of wonderful.
Today, is Kendall's birthday, a truly special day. And definitely one that warrants a comeback here in this blog where our best friendship started and something that, as Kendall said in his previous blog, will always hold our memories. Though I may no longer frequent this special place of ours, I still keep everything that we've had close to my heart. (And I do come back from time to time to see what he's up to!)
Kendall is not an outwardly affectionate person. People make him uncomfortable sometimes, talking is awkward and feelings are even worse. But never in the time I have known him have I ever doubted that he truly cares about his family, friends, mentors, loved ones. Because to him, his actions have always made his love obvious; there is never any need for him to vocalize them. He creates a family of sorts with the people he meets everywhere. He brings his own unique verve to everything he does. He is thoughtful, carefree, inquisitive, and always up for an adventure.
Thank you, Kerms. Happy 22nd birthday! I love you, and three peace.
Kendall is not an outwardly affectionate person. People make him uncomfortable sometimes, talking is awkward and feelings are even worse. But never in the time I have known him have I ever doubted that he truly cares about his family, friends, mentors, loved ones. Because to him, his actions have always made his love obvious; there is never any need for him to vocalize them. He creates a family of sorts with the people he meets everywhere. He brings his own unique verve to everything he does. He is thoughtful, carefree, inquisitive, and always up for an adventure.
Thank you, Kerms. Happy 22nd birthday! I love you, and three peace.
Thursday, February 18, 2016
My Youth is Yours
Hey guys!
Funny seeing me here again, huh? I know no one is reading, but that's alright. This whole blog started off as a way for Jen and I to connect. Actually, to be more exact, this blog started because I read Jen's bucket list and blogging was on it and I decided we could do it together. That was in 2009. Since then, a lot has happened and changed, as has this blog, but that's alright. At this point, this blog is more of my personal diary. From time to time I like to write and this is the place that I choose to do it. And even if Jen doesn't post anything ever, this is still something that will always hold memories. It gives us snapshots in the daily lives of our pasts and that's something that I will forever hold onto. So that's why I'm here, so one day in the future, and I want to know what was going on at this specific time in my life, I'll be able to see just that.
Four years ago, in the month of February, Jen and I did a really cool thing. Everyday we gave a gift, because there were 29 days in the month and there was a book called 29 gifts so it just seemed so serendipitous. That whole month was great and I feel a great sense of pride for what we accomplished that month. Now, four years later, it's a leap year again with 29 days, again. I thought about doing it again. I thought about giving it another go and seeing what would happen. However, 17 days in, I'm here to tell you that I haven't done it. Now, I could go and blame that on a bunch of things. I'm too busy, I'm too poor, I'm too restricted, I'm not surrounded by the right people or environment. And whether or not those things are true, those aren't the real reason. The real reason is just me. I didn't do it. And that's not to say that I have changed or that I'm not a good person anymore or that I don't care about those things anymore, because that's not true, I do still care. This past summer was a testament to that.
I've spent the past 3 and a half years of my life, really trying to figure out me. Who I am as a person. What do I value. What do I want in life. What do I want to do with my life. How I want to spend my time. Who I want to surround myself with. And while I've gotten some of those answers to an extent, those are things I have to continue to figure out for myself. As I'm moving forward in life, and getting closer and closer to graduation and getting closer and closer to the real world, I have to remember what it was that got me to this point. What I did right. What I cared about. What good I did.
In my month and a half of being back at school, I've had a lot of free time. More than I know what to do with. I feel restless. I can't wait to get out and to start my real life, but at the same time, I can't help but feel so so sad and nostalgic of what I'm leaving being, and I don't just mean here at UW. I mean my entire youth. I feel like graduating college is the final string to cut. It will completely cut off my youth and innocence. I'll be an adult, I'll be in the real world, and while yes that's scary, I think it's more sad to know that the past is just that, the past. It's with that mentality that I've been looking at relationships in my life. Every conversation I have with someone, I just think, this is finite. It's limited. Enjoy it while it lasts. And while it's important to make it mean something for yourself, make it mean something for them. I want to leave good memories with people. I want to leave happy thoughts. I want to touch their hearts in anyway I can.
I'm sorry, I feel like this sounds really depressing, but I guess all of what I'm trying to say is that it's so so so so important to make the most of our time here. That's a saying that means the world to me. I have a long and exciting and happy and fun and amazing life ahead of me. And I'm so grateful and excited for that. But that doesn't mean that I should take today for granted. I plan to enjoy every moment. I plan to make every moment count. Because if every moment counts, then I can look back on what I've done and feel proud. Just like I feel proud of what I did four years ago. If I can do that, then I have nothing at all to worry about.
Stay good, My Friends.
#ThreePeace
Funny seeing me here again, huh? I know no one is reading, but that's alright. This whole blog started off as a way for Jen and I to connect. Actually, to be more exact, this blog started because I read Jen's bucket list and blogging was on it and I decided we could do it together. That was in 2009. Since then, a lot has happened and changed, as has this blog, but that's alright. At this point, this blog is more of my personal diary. From time to time I like to write and this is the place that I choose to do it. And even if Jen doesn't post anything ever, this is still something that will always hold memories. It gives us snapshots in the daily lives of our pasts and that's something that I will forever hold onto. So that's why I'm here, so one day in the future, and I want to know what was going on at this specific time in my life, I'll be able to see just that.
Four years ago, in the month of February, Jen and I did a really cool thing. Everyday we gave a gift, because there were 29 days in the month and there was a book called 29 gifts so it just seemed so serendipitous. That whole month was great and I feel a great sense of pride for what we accomplished that month. Now, four years later, it's a leap year again with 29 days, again. I thought about doing it again. I thought about giving it another go and seeing what would happen. However, 17 days in, I'm here to tell you that I haven't done it. Now, I could go and blame that on a bunch of things. I'm too busy, I'm too poor, I'm too restricted, I'm not surrounded by the right people or environment. And whether or not those things are true, those aren't the real reason. The real reason is just me. I didn't do it. And that's not to say that I have changed or that I'm not a good person anymore or that I don't care about those things anymore, because that's not true, I do still care. This past summer was a testament to that.
I've spent the past 3 and a half years of my life, really trying to figure out me. Who I am as a person. What do I value. What do I want in life. What do I want to do with my life. How I want to spend my time. Who I want to surround myself with. And while I've gotten some of those answers to an extent, those are things I have to continue to figure out for myself. As I'm moving forward in life, and getting closer and closer to graduation and getting closer and closer to the real world, I have to remember what it was that got me to this point. What I did right. What I cared about. What good I did.
In my month and a half of being back at school, I've had a lot of free time. More than I know what to do with. I feel restless. I can't wait to get out and to start my real life, but at the same time, I can't help but feel so so sad and nostalgic of what I'm leaving being, and I don't just mean here at UW. I mean my entire youth. I feel like graduating college is the final string to cut. It will completely cut off my youth and innocence. I'll be an adult, I'll be in the real world, and while yes that's scary, I think it's more sad to know that the past is just that, the past. It's with that mentality that I've been looking at relationships in my life. Every conversation I have with someone, I just think, this is finite. It's limited. Enjoy it while it lasts. And while it's important to make it mean something for yourself, make it mean something for them. I want to leave good memories with people. I want to leave happy thoughts. I want to touch their hearts in anyway I can.
I'm sorry, I feel like this sounds really depressing, but I guess all of what I'm trying to say is that it's so so so so important to make the most of our time here. That's a saying that means the world to me. I have a long and exciting and happy and fun and amazing life ahead of me. And I'm so grateful and excited for that. But that doesn't mean that I should take today for granted. I plan to enjoy every moment. I plan to make every moment count. Because if every moment counts, then I can look back on what I've done and feel proud. Just like I feel proud of what I did four years ago. If I can do that, then I have nothing at all to worry about.
Stay good, My Friends.
#ThreePeace
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